The Attached Feminist

Show Me The Placenta!

2011-04-12T21:49:00.002-04:00

Tonight I got the chance to talk to high school and college students about birth activism. But of course it was more than just about pregnancy, labor and delivery...it was about looking at our culture critically. I have to share what I have learned about reaching this demographic!

What I heard:
"What is a midwife?"
"Why DO we give birth on our backs?"
"You can be in labor for over a day?"
"You can eat in labor?"
"Can you really have an orgasm in labor?"
"Squat bar?"

And also...the questions I asked:
"Does she know why she's getting induced?"
"How did she decide to have a homebirth?"
"Do you know your birth story?"
"What images come to mind when I talk about having a baby?"
"Have you seen The Business of Being Born?"

My biggest joy was how much these young people wanted to see placenta pictures! They were fascinated! "What is a placenta?" led to so many other topics. About rushing things, nutrition, breastfeeding, the "mess" of childbirth.... Who knew that would be such a hit? I had only the last minute instinct to bring pictures from my births...I almost didn't! Now I know...and you do too.

So. Let's put ourselves out there a little more in honor of all those placentas...most are never shared with the world or even noticed by their hosts. Meanwhile, teenagers are so curious about them! "How big is this?" "How much did it weigh?" "That's IN you!!??" Am I alone when I see a disconnect? Why not push yourself to overshare when something inside you tells you to take a chance? I am so happy I did. You never know what questions you'll be asked next. Imagine what you might be privileged to answer!

Each person that saw my pictures (yes! so graphic!) or talked to me for a few minutes think differently about childbearing already. A few admitted "oh, we'll be talking about THIS on the way home..."

Now...how can I feel this way every day?!

Reading at Our Waldorf School

2011-01-26T16:24:00.009-05:00

It seems that reading education is one of the most misunderstood areas of Waldorf education. I have only my first child's experience at the Charlottesville Waldorf School to go by but, having attending a talk led by a teacher in the middle school, I feel fairly safe about talking about it here.

Waldorf loves books and words and letters. CWS just had a gorgeous library donated to our school. Your child can want to learn to read and still thrive in a Waldorf environment! No administrator has ever ever said "do not read to your child" or "keep books away." (Perhaps some of the early literature about introducing reading said something like this? I have no idea, I am not a Steiner scholar). I do know this--if your child already knows how to read when he or she begins first grade, aren't you grateful that the curriculum focuses other areas besides (actually in addition to) "reading?" How bored would your child be if reading is coming naturally and that is all the teacher was focusing on hour after hour...

Now, again, this is my personal experience and my son is one of those self-taught children. I am writing this to parents who are worried that their children love books and don't understand why this isn't embraced by Waldorf. "But what if my child is READY? Is Waldorf holding her back?" Well, it is fine if she is ready! If she is ready, she will be already be learning how to read! At least this is how I saw it and how I feel the CWS community supports its earlier readers. I don't know a single family that doesn't read to their preschool-aged kids. It just wasn't the be all end all in what makes a child ready for kindergarten, first grade, or second. My son learned to read, after years of being read to by his parents, on his own and in his own time. The "H" for "hospital" off of our local bypass was my first signal that some form of "reading" was going on--that letters and signs were of use to those of us out here in the adult world. He began asking me what things said. There was no big deal about it, either from my own point of view or from the perspective of "Waldorf parent" (I may not have even been one yet). He asked a question, I answered it.

Now in his second half of first grade I am so thrilled with how reading and the other subjects are handled. Some children are still learning to decode in first grade and beyond. What I learned from the talk by the middle school teacher is that children in other schools are also learning to decode in first grade as well. It was nice to see the Waldorf parents who work for the public school nodding their heads and affirming so much of what she was telling us. Not for me so much as for me to relay to you right now... "Reading," as I had understood it, included "comprehension." I learned that many of us consider "decoding" to be "reading". I loved reading the book Raising Readers so much when my first born was a baby that I had long since forgotten the bits and pieces of "reading." As long as we all know what we are talking about, we're fine, but it seems like we are very worried that the Waldorf way to [comprehension + decoding =] reading puts one's child at risk for being illiterate at 4th grade. I am not witnessing this.

The Waldorf way is to keep letters out of Early Childhood. My house is full of books and the world is full of letters and words. I sort of liked the idea of having this one last space completely open to the child's imagination. Sort of a break from the busyness of our adult world. Usually children want to write their name on their artwork. The teachers will show them what their name looks like, let them copy it and usually, that is quite enough for that age group. Meanwhile the teachers are great storytellers and the children are allowed to hear a story repeated over and over. This allows them to build a vocabulary that may include words that you might not expect small children to understand. (This will help them read real stories later.)

Then...what if..what if your child has learned to read and the first grade teacher is only now introducing the alphabet. Now, is your child too advanced? Is he bored? Will he be a troublemaker?

My son has never complained of being bored. I think he is fairly well-behaved in class. He has plenty of other things to work on to even notice if he is that much ahead of his peers. The letters and sentences are taught through storytelling, handwriting, shapes and lines. This allows the child who perhaps knows how to read already an "a-ha" moment or two along the way when it comes to letter formation or some tricks to remember some quirks to letters in the English language ("c" says "s" and "k"! etc.). Our middle school teacher said that the teachers use aspects of what might be considered both "whole language" and "phonics", just like other school teachers. They aren't so worried about classifying which style they use when, they just present the best way of introducing a word for the children who are learning it. This speaker used the example "sure". This is not a word you teach using a phonetic approach. But meanwhile, you will also see "word families" listed on the side of the chalkboard. Honestly, that part of it didn't seem that different to me than what I felt like I would've been doing reading-wise as a first grader. All the other stuff--the artistry and the storytelling...that seems different, and my son loves it.

My first grader just filled out his lunch form today where he had to read the menu, decide what he wanted, add up the cost of each meal plus drink and total it at the end of the row. Not all first graders should be expected to know how to do this and I was pretty wowed that he sat down and did it. What amazes me is how quickly he "5,10,15"'ed and then "1, 2,3"ed and then 15 + 3 is "18" which he wrote down very carefully on the line. Sometimes I chuckle wondering why more families don't ask "why aren't my children learning how to multiply in first grade like they do at the Waldorf school?" Witnessing how seamless it has been to introduce all four math operations in first grade has me in great awe of the idea that loving math might be just as common as loving to read. I did like math as a child, but I don't remember math without a worksheet or flash cards. My son counts by 2's, 3's, and 5's and he can do this while bouncing a ball from hand to hand. Pretty cool, and I am grateful my family got to witness this last November at Friends and Family Day.

I'm throwing this online quickly because I would like to invite other Waldorf families to comment here about how a Waldorf education produced their own literate children. Race to Nowhere has recently hit Charlottesville and, having seen it, I feel like I must share what I see at the Charlottesville Waldorf School. Waldorf is working and working well for my family.

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11/7/11 Please listen to this lecture by the 8th Grade Charlottesville Waldorf School teacher about how Waldorf Schools teach reading.

Why Charlottesville Waldorf School

2010-10-07T01:00:00.001-04:00

I have just got to get the word out about our local Waldorf school. We have had a great experience in the last three years with this school and are thrilled to begin 1st grade ("the grades") this year. I want to share our very positive experience while addressing some of the mythology surrounding this school. I hope more parents that think it *might* be a good choice for their child will go the added distance to visit and then hopefully enroll.

A couple of disclosures: I know my experience is unique to me and my children. I do not speak for the administration, the board, or the college of teachers at our school. I'd love to hear your feedback/comments.

On with my testimonial....

1. The Waldorf approach to literacy fits my style of parenting very well. Here is a FAQ page that addresses why Waldorf schools wait to introduce reading until first grade. But quickly...of course Waldorf schools "believe in reading". They believe in it so much that they do not want to risk making children anything but thrilled to learn to read. Teachers instill a child's love of language and narrative with countless stories told and enacted (love watching the kids-as-animals pull up that turnip!) in the Kindergarten classroom. They make sure a child is developmentally ready to read. This allows a child who is not quite showing signs of readiness the time to grow and read in her own time. I have not experienced any teacher telling me I should not have books in my home or not read to my child. Our Kindergarten teacher welcomed me at pickup one afternoon to tell me how my son had read some words recently on street signs during a walk last year. We were so excited to see how it was all falling into place. He never felt pressure to read, it just came. Please read Raising Readers if you would like a non-Waldorf approach to this style of literacy education. (Reading this book way before I scouted out a preschools was a great gift, thank you my dear brother for sending it my way!)

2. I love how children play with toys in a Waldorf Kindergarten. [Side Note: "Kindergarten" here is what most people might think of as "preschool". It is officially Kindergarten but a child can be in the same K classroom for 3 years--almost-4 year olds through just-turned-6 year olds are all together. The teachers (amazingly) alter the curriculum to each child's development so it isn't the same thing for 3 years, don't worry about that at all!] Toys are mixed up and used creatively and then put away at the end of the play session. It is true that it can look chaotic and be a bit wild for an indoor space, especially if you are used to children playing with one toy at a time. But it is all fine. It is under control. Blocks can mix with the kitchen area and the doll house can have the logging truck visit with some dolls. The children know where everything lives at pick-up time and it works. I think this style of play has led some parents to think that Waldorf has fewer "rules." Waldorf has plenty of rules, they are in the form of high expectations and a very structured rhythm to the day. "Manners" also come to mind when parents worry about "rules" and the children are most certainly expected to treat each other and the rest of the school community with kindness and respect--with all the social phrases used in any other setting. Don't worry, your child will not be allowed to "get away with" anything at a Waldorf school.

3. I believe Waldorf teachers have high but attainable expectations for my children without asking them to grow up too fast. Children in the Kindergarten (again, ages 4-6) are definitely not expected to sit quietly for very long. But when they do sit quietly, the teachers patiently instruct the children to do so. I have witnessed great calm follow-through with children challenging their teachers' rules. In the grade school the expectations for study are certainly high. While reading is expected of children a year or two later than in traditional American schools, mathematics is ahead of the public school curriculum...along with foreign language, music and history. The 2-hour main lesson in the grade school is a big deal, but I understand it to be developmentally appropriate--plenty of movement in the younger grades and lots of time to focus for the older children. I can write about that in a year or two. What really spoke to me was the June 1st cutoff for all children, not just boys. In Raising Cain, the authors describe behavior for young children and how many discipline issues that schools face could be resolved if (correct me if I'm wrong) 2nd grade boys were in classes with Kindergarten girls. At Waldorf, even high energy girls are considered normal and given the extra time to enjoy their Kindergarten years.

4. I appreciate the support to limit my child's media time. At the same time, I do not feel judged that we do let our children watch movies and use computers. It is true that we have had Kim John Payne come to speak and he is very inspirational. It is true that, on our school application, you are asked for how much media time your child is used to in a week. That said, every person I have met at our school is totally in touch with the real world and knows that life is about balance and trade-offs. Some families are more strict in this area than others. But really folks, that goes for the differences between families attending just about any Charlottesville-area school. I have non-Waldorf friends who have no tv and we have Waldorf families whose life is based in the film industry. My husband is a software developer. Our lifestyle is technology driven. We loved movies growing up and still do. There is no "they" that I have met (yet?) to tell me how I have to parent my child in order to be a part of this community. There is no Big Brother, there are no surprise visits to see if you child is glued to video games. The point is that you are aware of the use of media in your home and how it affects your child and the school. If you child has a cartoon hero, it is likely many of his friends at school will not know who this character is. Then again, it is also likely many of his friends will.

5. We have all read the Gandhi quote, "Be the change you want to see in the world". I hope to see children (and adults) thinking outside the box more. I didn't see the shades of grey in life until adulthood (thankfully, young adulthood). I am now very conscious of my default, multiple-choice mentality when it comes to complex decisions. Now I often choose "none of the above" when I used to want, yes! to prefer! the safe, road-more-traveled choice already presented before me. How many people are stuck in this mindset for a lifetime? I hope to see young adults not worried so much about how to get in the best schools to get the best jobs to make the most money as much as they can make an effort on being active in their communities. They will still go to school and get jobs of course, but the focus would be about adding and sharing...not taking and comparing.

I worry that we adults don't know what providing our children "a good education" really means anymore. Diane Ravitch addresses this in The Death and Life of the Great American School System. The way our children are "educated" these days is being confused with how well we teach them to take tests. I just finished Ravitch's book and realized that I didn't think much about the word "curriculum" until now. Or I had misunderstood the word. Now I think about it all the time. What do we really believe is the needed education to prepare young adults for the modern adult world? A world we adults don't even know how to predict very well it seems. We adults are winging it ourselves, this isn't what our teachers/parents made adulthood look like 20 years ago! Teaching our youth to embrace change and to think creatively will be more important than ever. One book to mention in this vein: A Whole New Mind. How are you nurturing your own right brain? Your child's? ....but that is another post.

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I sat on this post for the summer. I felt like I had so much more to add/edit and I just needed more time! But, as I remind myself about blogging, it is ok to just add more later--in another blog. I will try to do that. And just maaaybeeee not have a year between entries. Wish me luck there.

More than ever do I hope people come visit our school this fall. We have new buildings opening soon and they are gorgeous. I'd love for you to witness the fall energy of the kids...they are loving school, the games, the art... Maybe this is a mom-of-a-first-grader talking but it sure is exciting to be a part of the Charlottesville Waldorf community right now.

I just returned from a CWS committee meeting where I sat in the 7th grade classroom. I am inspired. I had trailed off above with thoughts towards the need for quality curricula in our schools. Well, the 7th grade classroom is just a gorgeous display of the possibilities a quality curriculum could include. The chalkboards were just covered with amazing things. There were the students' sketches of a single hand (his/her own?) hung individually on the lower left board. There were two huge Chinese characters on a separate board above the hands and then also, many smaller characters on the main board in the upper right corner. Then over there to the very right... "The Raven" and other poetry homework, and some German homework assignments. Then math problems on the main board, right in the middle of it all. It is only the first week of October and what a span of topic matter must be swirling in these kids's heads. If you do get a chance to go to an Observation morning soon, don't miss the mosaics that these 7th graders did that are currently hanging above the chalkboard. Wow.

Your Fourth?? some cultural musings...

2009-09-05T10:30:00.000-04:00

This was first drafted in May and I haven't touched it. Any day I will meet my 4th child so it is time to wrap this up and post it....
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I have to admit, I have a little game I'm playing with the world right now. A little anthro project... on how we Americans view "large" families.

When I am out and about, usually I am with all three of my boys ages: 6 , 4 and 2. Sometimes I am out with only my 2 year old and sometimes (rarely) I am out with no children at all. But I am always watching and enjoying the little study I am doing. I take a very active interest in how other people look at me and my children because I realize every day how more and more I defy cultural norms.

Sometimes I think 4+ children is "the new only-child" the way I often hear that "three is the new two." I am sure parents with only-children have a ready answer of why they have only one child. But I wonder if they don't have to use it as often as I feel I have to justify being pregnant again. Women in America are willing to start families later in life. Fertility problems, post-partum depression, frozen eggs, PCOS, adoption, population growth, the economy...all are commonly found in the news today. Maybe the only-child moms have a growing community that make their choices more understood by our culture as a whole.

But those of us who dare go past the "new two"...what are we? First of all, before I even start laying out details about my life I want to make clear that I am not bashing other choices. I am just making it clear who I am. Really, I want this piece to simply alert us to the tiny stereotypes we carry with us every day. The big ones get plenty of attention, but I think we often allow less-discussed stereotypes to creep into our brains and don't give them credit as such and then they quickly pass away as we get on with our lives.

Some people when they meet me for the first time and find out that this pregnancy is my fourth are left speechless. Often I wonder if their minds are racing with one or more of the following questions:
1. Does she believe in birth control?
2. Does she know how to use birth control?
3. Is she pro-life (or anti-choice)?
4. Is she Catholic? (red hair + many children? = Irish CATHOLIC! fun combo but sorry...neither)
5. Is her husband oppressive?
6. What is wrong with her?????? Doesn't she have a life of her own?

Why do I think they have these thoughts? Well, first off people (usually men) will ask things like those above in jest when they do not know what to say ("congratulations" works, for those still unsure). I also heard this kind of talk from both sexes before I became a mother. I can even imagine my brain going through "the logical reasons" a woman would do this to herself if I could have seen me plus 3 young boys (running into and wrestling with each other, being slow, being fast, climbing things, being loud, you have a visual) 10 years ago. That is why I started opening my eyes a little more to how I look to others lately. Now I want to get more people expanding their list of "reasons" for any family situation. This includes the people who see the benefits of having 4 (or more) children, and that to be the main reason, plain and simple.

So that is some background on me, but it is true, I am no mind reader--most of the above is speculation that experiences of years past were swirling around in the minds of people today. Here IS what I have experienced over the last few months:

When I am out with all of my boys people cannot resist asking (now that I am quite obviously pregnant), "do you know what you're having?" Especially in larger cities I have noticed people will ask me before even saying anything to get my attention first.

Now, for the record, ALL pregnant women get asked this question and I won't get into my feelings about this being the knee-jerk response to the "I'm pregnant!" announcement. However, it is different when you are pregnant with other children. You don't get the "congratulations!" or "aren't you glowing..." before the question gets asked. And when you have many boys with you, the question is asked with a sort of twinge of expectation that makes me very uncomfortable.

I do know that some people to try to conceive a certain sex child or hope for one of the other. I am not sure we should assume everybody is this way and I, for one, am not "trying for a girl." It bothers me that there is some universal hope that this baby might be a girl when I will be perfectly thrilled with a 4th boy. And it is this, besides having a stock answer for (yes) planning a fourth pregnancy, is another thing I find myself saying again and again. "No, we are planning on another boy" and if I have to go further "it feels the same and I make great boys" or something like that. I try to spice it up but usually I just want to let the interrogator simmer on what "planning" might mean in that sentence. No, I don't really know and yes, we do like to be surprised. But it is funny how many people have heard word of mouth that I am "having another boy". I never said that...officially.

There is another group of women who ask about my fourth and it is such a pleasure to talk to this group. Often, women in this group will ask "but, do you mind, may I ask how old you are?" They don't really even need to know because they usually follow this with "I would've had more too if I had been younger..." This group makes me feel sane and supported and that our American culture does support larger families. I also feel like these women have buried something that they don't tell many people but it makes me feel like I am supporting them too--that thinking of having "many" children as a nice thing doesn't make you nuts at all. I usually find that yes, I am fairly young to be on my 4th child. This group tends to make me feel like I am very wise for my years. Thanks to you ladies for being out there. Like encouraging women to breastfeed in simple ways, I plan to say positive things to women on their 3rd and beyond pregnancies in a similar way.
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And because I am ready to post this and have this baby I am not going to try to remember anymore musings that I had 4 months ago. When I first drafted this I had more to say but had to leave it. What I really feel now is the need to put even these few thoughts out there, see if any moms have felt the same way and then give a shout to my wonderful village.

Thank you to everyone who does know me well--who has seen me on grumpy days and on days I feel glorious. For letting me be a listener to you and for sitting there as I rant away on the same handful of topics. Keeping me close to your lives affirms that you still want to be in mine, despite distance, family struggles, illnesses or simply different nap/bedtime schedules. My beautiful friends, I feel so lucky to have you. You provide more support to me than you know. I had no idea how much I would need you as I began my motherhood journey and, if anything, that is what being pregnant a 4th time has really driven home. You really have to have your girls by then and keep your world connected to theirs. How grateful I am for all the technology at my fingertips, how in the world could I have done this 50 years ago? Ah but that was a different time too.....another day, another post.

Connecting the Mothers to the Childless

2009-04-14T13:06:00.006-04:00

One of the huge hurdles I see women facing today is relating across the parenthood line. When I was pregnant for the first time I had no peers who were first time mothers with me. I swore I wouldn't change, I could be a mother and hang out with my girlfriends and life didn't have to change *that much*. Well, I kept part of the promise and I do try to always conjure up the smell of being childless. I need it especially when I read certain articles (such as the article I read last night in Marie Claire about a woman being revoked godmother status) or talk on the phone with a long lost childless friend. But as time passes, it is harder and harder to remember. I don't want to stop reading certain magazines when I realize I can barely empathize with a writer, nor do I want to take breaks from friends when I sense they don't "get" me anymore.

Lately a few things have happened that make me feel the need to write about this and open up a discussion of the language barrier between those with and without children dominating their lives.

One very wonderful thing is that a close friend just had her first baby. She is a child expert, a step-mother and a teacher. Yet she said to me with such deep mixed emotion the other day "I just didn't understand how hard it was." I hugged her and I said, "you aren't supposed to, nobody ever does." I got thinking why IS this the case? Why does our culture not get it? I know she wanted to understand, just as I did too during my first pregnancy. Is it simply that we do not have words in our language that describe the changes that happen to you simultaneously when you have a newborn? Do we not do a good job mentoring women? At Birth Circle I feel like there is such a spirit of understanding, even between the first-time and third-time pregnant women. But is there ever a circle that includes the women who don't think about being pregnant or becoming mothers and what it all means to the feminist movement? I want to find this...or create this.

So that is one thing to muse on. Really it is how to get the childless women interested in this sort of thing when becoming a parent is a distant point in the future. It just doesn't seem real enough to care about until you are pregnant. But by then the learning curve is so steep, much steeper than it needs to be.

Another thing that happened is I read this post on the newly formed collaborative blog to discuss modern feminism. I am so grateful that I have friends who "speak" Feminism better than I do to help us start some good discussions. When I think about what we teach childless women, younger and older, about how to balance family with work, something truly does get lost in translation. I do think a lot has to do with how we use the word "career" and luckily, I read a review of a new book that encourages people (ok, women specifically) to rethink their "career" as a series of waves instead of as a ladder. I don't think we make clear that a "career" doesn't stop or start but is always morphing as your passions and commitments change. And this is a good thing.

While kids are happily playing I want to wrap this up and get talking about it more. The last thing I wanted to bring up are the actual phrases women use after they become mothers that I don't hear childless women using. I recently used "it is just too much" in an email to two very dear girlfriends as they/we attempted to plan a get-together. I have been wondering, did they both understand what I meant? One friend is a working mother with two children, the other is childless and in a long-term relationship. Did I ever say "it is just too much" in my childless life? I don't think I did. And if I heard it, and I do think I did, I thought "what is too much? just get a babysitter!" or "it is too much to prioritize your friends?" or a myriad of other things.

I may have to title a blog "It is Just Too Much" to really elaborate on all the things that includes. But now I have a crying child and I'd love to know any initial thoughts you have out there!

HPV, Gardasil & the Immature Cervix

2009-03-11T15:12:00.004-04:00

I am very happy that modern medicine is moving in the direction where research funding is put towards women's health issues, such as cervical cancer. I am very happy that we have learned that HPV is the main culprit. But what we do with this information, I believe, is up for debate.

First of all, please see this and this about the side effects some young women are having from Gardasil. While these stories are not conclusive enough for the medical community, I think they are pretty frightening.

I don't want to rewrite those blogs. I wanted to add a couple of things to think about when you and I contemplate this vaccine for our children.

First is what I learned last year while attending Miriam Grossman's talk at UVA. She discussed (Cavalier Daily Article summary) how the immature cervix is more likely to contract HPV than the mature cervix. The immature cervix has fewer cell layers and HPV isn't as happy to settle in when the cervix is thicker. So that is one little piece of science.

The other thing that I hadn't realized is that if the world gets the HPV vaccine, then the need for pap-smears goes way down since virtually all cervical cancers are caused by HPV. This is of interest to me because I wonder who this benefits. If all young women are given this vaccine, will insurance companies pay for pap smears anymore? Especially if they are shelling out reimbursements to have every young girl in the country vaccinated?

To truly eradicate cervical cancer, one thing that I hope evolves from medical research is a vaccine or cure that prevents men from transmitting it. And I am a mother of boys so this comes from a personal place where I expect them to be accountable for their actions and certainly never on some receiving end of a phone call that says "I have HPV, did I get it from you?" I have heard this is a "challenge" for medical science and they have tried. Hmmm. I hope they keep trying.

I admit that I do not trust insurance companies or pharmaceutical companies with the health of my children. I did just watch SiCKO and encourage others to check it out sometime. As far as the personal, my insurance company paid much more for my hospital birth where I received no interventions than my homebirth which had a much lower price tag. I, you or somebody somewhere essentially paid for drugs that I did not use. These drugs, had I used them without needing them, would certainly not be in the best interest of my baby's health. Epidural anesthesia, pitocin...all part of a hospital birth package deal are part of some bigger financial picture between big pharma, insurance companies, hospital revenues, AMA, ACOG and who knows who and what else. My point is, I do not feel that pharmaceutical companies are not in it to make some money--after all, they did spend tons on research. The faster they get any treatment, including this vaccine, out into the public, the better for them.

So, apologies for jumping around. I hope to bring it all together. HPV likes the young cervix. So we want to vaccinate before the woman begins being sexually active at all because the younger she is when she starts, the higher risk she is for contracting HPV. At the same time, if the cervix is so young and needs maturing, giving some vaccine to toughen it up (or whatever the vaccine does) before puberty even is fully on does seem to lead me to think it could cause some other problems later in life. Sure, maybe not HPV and cervical cancer...but gosh, I have had three babies and I am pretty darn happy my cervix was good and normal for those experiences. I can see why people might worry if it could affect fertility and so on.

So as Nature's Child discussed, parents really need the full info about this vaccine and make a choice that makes sense for their situation. If you know your 9 and 10 year old daughter is not even close to being sexually active, then why not wait? Let her cervix age a bit along the way. Why is The Establishment trying to push this vaccine so early? And then I think again to the politics of things, all of our children can have access to health care...insurance...etc. if they are in the public schools. That means there is funding to push it on children right as they get all those other shots for school. The older the child gets, the less likely the child will be injected with the vaccine. For one, she goes to the doctor less, I know I did. So there is more money to do it younger. Ideally less cervical cancer too, but you cannot ignore the economics.

Meanwhile will the pap smear become less routine over the next 20 years? Might some women slip through the cracks? And meanwhile, what about the men? What sort of HPV testing will our country encourage for young men? It seems like the men should have to know if they are spreading a disease that causes cervical cancer. Would our government be inclined to fund a mandatory vaccine for young boys? Especially if it had any scary reproductive side effect at all? I wonder...

So all of this is to suggest the government and medical community back off on this one. Give parents and their daughters the current information and let them make an informed decision. I know we cannot count on all parents to be as involved with their daughters with topics such as this...but that goes into another post about how our country has such a messed up relationship with sex. What is missing right now is the discussion about the side-effects and just how HPV works. You don't get it from toilets, people. It is from having sex. Can we not educate our daughters about their bodies a little more? I am not talking about abstinence education. I am talking about "if you start having sex, I want you to know these things..." kind of talk. The kind that leads women to Planned Parenthood, to Student Health, to a clinic when they cannot talk about things with other people in their lives.

Many parents of teens I know are not bloggers and are too busy to watch the evening news. They count on getting the full story from their doctors. Are they?

Donating Breast Milk

2009-03-04T16:12:00.006-05:00

This keeps coming up so I feel like I need to put what I know (which is very little) out into the public sphere. I have seen an uptick of Charlottesville interest in both donating extra breast milk and in using donor milk.

To be very clear, I do not know enough about using donor milk to give much information about this practice. But, because I do believe human milk is a superior infant food to formula, I think families need to take this option seriously and do their research on what is best for their situation. I wanted to share the places I have heard of to give interested families a smaller headache when approaching this option.

First are the Milk Banks. Start at the Human Milk Banking Association of North America.

Second is MilkShare. They have a Yahoo Group to help families connect to one another.

Third is this story about Lynn Page who donated 56 gallons (!!!) of breast milk. It was this article that just ran in Oprah Magazine that made me realize how past time it is for this option to be discussed more openly. Not discussed only by families, but taken seriously by insurance companies and health care providers (see the follow up articles, same link).

The fourth thing is to simply call your local lactation consultants, hospital-based or not and ask them what they know. Be ready for the spectrum of answers but chances are, they will be helpful.

And the more I looked up web addresses, the more information I came across. If you have a great tip for a mother out there, go ahead and post it here as well as to whatever site for which you probably also should post a testimonial!

I can't put up enough disclaimers: do your research and take responsibility for what ever choice you make for your family. I am not in a comfort zone as I discuss this, partly because much of the activism I do with breastfeeding has absolutely nothing to do with this topic. It is hard enough to support women trying to breastfeed their own children in our culture, it is another thing to monitor the practices of women who choose to donate or use donated milk. But if you, dear reader, are searching in the night for resources that have been helpful to other people, I wanted you to know that you are not alone in your efforts. Many many families choose this option. Connect with them and hear their stories. They ARE out there.

The Purpose of School

2009-02-27T16:18:00.003-05:00

Here I am, at the place so many moms come to if they have learned to question social norms...I'm questioning the ways we, as Americans, educate our children.

I was a public school kid and I think I liked it most of the time. During the early years I had mostly teachers that were inspired enough and I was a great student so did it even matter much? I had a fairly decent adolescence. I enjoyed high school although I was very eager to get to college and around more people like me. I'm not sure why I feel the need to question public school with such fond memories but yet here I am.

My husband and I recently visited a local public elementary school. Nobody seemed unhappy. But something didn't feel right, at least to me. I am now questioning "what is school for?"

Some thoughts come to mind, especially those I was raised with:
1. "School is for socialization"
2. "School is to teach kids how to 'be' "
3. "School is the three R's"

But what if your home life provides all of this? No doubt not all households do, and I am not saying I even agree with 1-3. But, here's another take, what IF everything "schooling" means to you you find you can do on your own time? Or if schooling is = "homeing" or at least kind of close to it. Just what if.

Then start thinking, well, "schooling" maybe should be
1. "supplementary"
2. "additive"
3. "world-opening"
4. "exposure to various perspectives"
5. "something I [the parent] am not good at"

And what else? You tell me what schooling means to you. Because when I sit with my 5 year old and tell him about coins, I don't feel I am "schooling" him. But when I see kids at school learning about money, that is definitely "school" or a "lesson."

I am finding my own way, and I challenge all parents to find their ways as well. This may mean public, independent or home schooling. It may mean a co-op or a free school or unschooling. It may mean going solo, pairing up with other families or doing what your community does as a whole. As usual, continue to question what the experts say your child needs and look at your situation. Trust your instincts...I am trying my best to trust my own.

Last Night's "F-Word" Discussion

2009-02-24T11:30:00.008-05:00

I just have to get this post started even if I run off to pick up the 5 year old. My brain has been swimming for the last 12 hours.

Last night I and seven other women came together to discuss what feminism means to us and our country and I think we are really onto something fantastic.

We talked about everything under the sun related to women's issues--workplace concerns, education, inspiration, how "the plan" changes, and I could keep going. I want to just list all the topics I can remember for now...

We talked about phases of life, new motherhood, sex differences with nurturing and geniuses, Larry Summers, is it ok for women to be "on average, better" at some things? Does it bother you to say that men or women may have different skills if those differences aren't used against either sex? It bothered some of us, but not all of us.

We talked about how we individually felt about strippers and then how we feel feminists feel about stripping, modeling, and being a "sex worker." (I am already an old person and didn't realize that one doesn't use the word "prostitute" or "whore" anymore.)

I was educated and humbled that there are many other F-Words out there. I am well aware that there is misinformation and hurt feelings revolving around women's choices to breastfeed or not, but I had no idea that just saying "formula" was really hard for some women to hear or discuss--no matter if they used or did not use it. I had heard once upon a time when I was a student but had long since worried about using the word "slutty" to describe a style of clothing. I knew thong underwear was being sold to tweens but it was not on my radar that even there was a market for thongs that fit 7-year olds.

We questioned the media. Does it get too much credit for how our men and women see each other or not enough? We questioned our language. Besides "whore" and "slut" we discussed just how we talk to little girls and little boys differently. Do you really think boys and girls' are treated as differently in school today as we were taught they were 20 years ago? I have my opinion. It may not match yours.

How do we get younger women to understand what the bigger issues are? Do we agree that we should be upset at that NASCAR woman using her body to sell GoDaddy? Do we think that a woman may have even thought of that marketing idea? I shared that I got an email about Bubba getting a job and that doesn't keep me from respecting men and thinking they are capable. I do not worry about my own sons seeing cleavage when they are teens and having them think that means women are all sex objects.

I question what is wrong with me...or what is right...as a mother of boys....

Do we all agree that when women entered male-dominated jobs they just proved they could work like men but now it is time to actually change the way we view modern workplaces? What if women had gone to work first, with babies in tow, and left the men home to be house managers? The 8 hours work day was a dream once upon a time and women were perhaps relieved to no longer be so stressed with the family-farm-based schedule and pressures of feeding a family. Free time was created when our society became more industrialized in many ways. And yet now we are so uber industrialized we don't ever shut it off.

Are you worried that there are not enough female mathematicians? Computer scientists? Do you think the English majors and Sociology majors needed more convincing? Where do personal preferences come into play? Can you really blame one 6th grade teacher for everything you study as an adult?

What era really did things get out of whack? The 50s? The 80s? If the American Association of Pediatrics had always advocated mother-baby togetherness and breastfeeding for at least a year, would have male-dominated work places changed as women entered them? Now women have proved they can detach from their children, but do we want to keep up this trend? Well, I cannot lie, I have used the word "Attached" in my blog title....I think it is time for social change.

This discussion was the first of many. Ladies who came, please post other "minutes" to this blog to show the world what we covered. And other readers, please give us more food for thought.

The average age of our participants was about 30. Nobody under 25 came and no feminists of the Second Wave made it either. Life happens, I get that, and in some ways I am grateful we didn't have a full house. I am hopeful that we will get talking more, both online and in person. We can have a late evening discussion or a coffee hour another time. Could I dream that Charlottesville will begin to feel a surge of female energy that could really change the lives of women locally and beyond?!

Gotta go, I want to hear from you!!!

When Activism Called Me

2009-02-03T11:12:00.009-05:00

Monday I attended the Fem2.0 Conference. What an amazing gathering of women (and a few men) who were there to network, build bridges and truly demonstrate what feminism means in 2009. I left so very hopeful that our generation (of women and men) will make our country and our world a much better place. We left the conference with a little homework assignment, to tell the story of when you felt the call to activism. When you realized that you just had to say something, that you couldn't be quiet anymore. When you felt that justice needed to be served in some way that just could not be ignored.

As I thought about it, for me it was the first time I truly felt outrage personally. Don't get me wrong, I had been saddened, moved, and depressed about many other issues before this turning point into activism, but it was truly when it was personal injustice that sent me over the edge.

I was raised to be content and complacent. My parents had been members of the ACLU until my father began to work for something of a government agency and enacted a family philosophy of "non-partisanship". My parents registered for political parties to vote in primaries but besides that, no petition-signing, no grassroots anything. "We give to the United Way (and stay out of it)" was their philosophy at this time in their lives. No matter that Mom had walked in Civil Rights marches back in high school and that Dad used to be an academic and most likely surrounded by political discussion a ton when he was younger. They were in a different stage in their lives by the time I surprised them and I did not grow up in a household that felt "outrage" or a call to activism.

When I saw some of the panelists speak Monday, I realized that growing up with outrage must really help a person become an activist at a younger age. I'm not an old lady, but I do think it is interesting that I, and many others, did not feel the call to activism until I became a mother. We discussed that it is a very "politicizing event" at the panel "Breaking the 'Waves': Moms Coming Together for Equality" for many women and yet how to get women who do not have children to understand how this happens? There are so many reasons motherhood empowers women but not all reasons apply to all mothers.

The act of birthing my first child was the turning point for me. It was not worrying about the world I was birthing my child into, although that has certainly come into my sphere since then. It was childbirth. Something that I see many women view as a burden and perhaps one of the most awful experiences of their lives. Well, it was not for me. And here is the story.

Before I found out I was pregnant I had been to each of my sister's three births. Her birth experiences varied and by her third, she had been coached by a friend (from Holland no less) to try to go drug-free. I would never forget her words to me after the dust had settled, "Cynthia, I healed so much faster without all of the drugs, try to not do the drugs..." and so it was. I approached my first pregnancy, at the young (for my circle of friends) age of 26, with the expectation of avoiding as many interventions as possible. The more books I read, and especially Active Birth, Birthing from Within, and Husband-Coached Childbirth, I gained the confidence to approach birth in this way.

Meanwhile I couldn't talk about my approach with anybody. I loved my coworkers dearly, but they all gave me the "honey, the epidural is wonderful" talk and when I hinted at trying to avoid it they smiled and made me feel like I would be eating those words. They finally left me alone and tried to support me, but it was in a way that was filled with doubt and general misinformation about women and our biology. Stories about too-small-pelvises and too-big-babies were constantly the in the air outside of work. When I told my family that hospitals had squatting bars to help women use gravity to get their babies out, your pelvis can expand when you aren't on your back, and so on....men laughed and made jokes about women doing gymnastics during labor. The women were, in my memory, very silent, perhaps smiling along and just letting the "boys be boys." But I felt unsupported. I felt belittled. I felt like nobody believed in me, except my husband, who was amazingly non-chalant about the whole thing. His confidence worried me in a different way--he was so confident that women were designed to have babies that he didn't understand my addiction to birthing books. Well...he wasn't going to push this baby out. It was me. And in many ways I felt very alone with the whole thing.

The day came. And I was a week late. My care providers had given me some deadline before they wanted to induce me and *thank goodness* I went into labor exactly 1 week late. (Baby number 2 would really show the medical community the rebel in me--he went over 2 weeks late and was perfectly fine--and the smallest of my three babies.) The labor was extremely straightforward. My water broke around 2 a.m. and contractions started within the hour. We went to the hospital when I really felt like I was ready to go and sure enough, we arrived and I was progressing nicely.

Things slowed down slightly when I went throughout the whole hospital triage experience...to make sure I was in labor. Hi. I am 41 weeks pregnant, I told you the waters broke at home (and my husband could vouch for that) and now am having contractions on top of each other. Let me have this baby. But no, I must lie down and have the monitors strapped on for at least 20 minutes. I complained, "I know you have hand-held dopplers!" Well, we just need to do this and then you can get up. But then I had to go to the bathroom. Quite graphically and specifically, I HAD to poop. There was no "excuse me, can you please remove these things and let me get a robe on..." no. I had to go and the nurse said "but you can't, not right now, wait! I have to get the doctor!" and off she ran. I said to my husband "Kevin, get me a trash can!" and I emptied my bowels right next to the bed. The nurse and doctor came in and, now I know, they were really worried I was pushing out the baby without the expert there to catch.

Finally convinced I was in labor, we moved to a labor and delivery room and I complained again about monitors. One nurse was very frustrated with me but slowly the staff realized that I was going to challenge their norms and not cave. Before too long, a new nurse, who turned out to be a certified nurse midwive on duty teaching the RNs more about the midwives' model of care, came into the room. I said "FINALLY someone who understands what I'm going for" and my mother cried and thinks Nurse Lisa was an angel from heaven. To this day I wonder how things may have gone if she wasn't working that day. She was experienced with different labor positions and we had to use many of them because they realized baby was acynclitic so I needed to be flipped from side to side to get baby into a more optimal presentation. I pushed for 2 hours and it was hard. HARD hard. My husband was always right there with me and so supportive. My mother and sister stood back a bit but were supportive, in their own way.

When baby came out I felt such relief. Not only relief, I felt fantastic. I wanted to tell the world that I did it and that every woman should feel as great as I felt in that moment. I had done it. I had birthed a baby without medication. I had only a tiny tear that needed only "one stitch" if it even needed it at all. And Marcus was 9 lbs 15.7 oz. Only after baby #3 who was also 10 lbs did I feel like I could even say that number. 10 pound babies. My body makes 10 lb babies. Still somewhat shocking to read. I was an 8.5 lb baby and my husband is not massive. There was no predicting that.

And one of the first thing people asked right after that was "if you knew he was that big, do you think you would have tried to go natural?" and that is what really fueled the fire in my belly. Not only was I on a birth high that left me talking a mile a minute for days (and now years) about the power of women's bodies, but I was asked to question my approach again? AGAIN? After such success? What is WRONG with people? What is wrong with our society? Why should I even wonder how else I would have approached the birth when I had just proved was that my body could birth a 10 lb baby the first time around? If anything, this proves that women should never know, or even think they know what size their babies may be!

The more I read about childbirth in America (such as Birth as an American Rite of Passage, Our Babies, Ourselves, and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth), the more I became outraged how few women ever get to feel the way I do after a birth. So many never even get the chance. The worst thing is, they don't even have the kind of care that supports a birth that will make them feel this kind of empowerment. Birthing my first child changed my life and my perspective on the world. Not only did I become a parent, but I gained the confidence to question every social norm that comes my way. I feel like I have the intelligence and the tools to do so. Sometimes I see women who are 10 years older than I am still in a place that I was when I was 25. Is this kind of thinking something akin to "wisdom"? Because I didn't plan to have any wisdom until I was much older. I am so frustrated to see young women look towards childbearing with fearful eyes. I have head older women say they want to avoid the entire birth experience altogether, if they have to have a baby, they would prefer the elective cesarean to keep it under control.

It is this control that makes me want to tell the world that childbearing is one of the most important feminist issues in America today. Our women have been told that staying in control is of utmost importance. But in staying "in control" we are actually not encouraged to feel outrage. If we stay in control, then that means we are fitting very nicely into society as it is today. We are so busy with work and family that keeping it together is truly essential to our existence. But if every women could feel truly empowered once in her life...if every woman got a chance to follow her instincts and prove the naysayers wrong, well, what could women achieve? What could their sons and daughters achieve when they hear of her transformation?

To be very clear, I believe childbirth can be empowering no matter how the birth turns out. The key is having the mother be a partner in her care and not simply a patient. I am not anti-doctor or anti-cesarean. Women and babies are saved every day by modern American medicine.

The women for which I advocate are the women who do not know they can ask for better in a hospital setting. A woman who may be told to lie on her back and agree to the hospital staff's norms of monitoring her and her baby. The woman who feels so much pain from staying on her back that she must have an epidural to help her stay there. The woman who now cannot feel her contractions or move around to help her baby move down...who is then told the baby has "failed to progress" or that the baby's head is too big (cephalopelvic disproportion) and that she must have a surgical birth. When that woman's baby is born he could be be ten pounds and the operating room will breathe a collective sigh, "well no wonder, your baby was 10 pounds!" The woman will be happy her baby is healthy but she will also have to recover from surgery which will not be the most pleasant introduction to motherhood.

All women remember the births of their children for a lifetime. Many contemplate how the birth progressed and why things happened the way they did. I can very easily imagine how my birth could have gone differently--I have heard and read of countless stories that read as the above paragraph. But it did not happen to me. I found my voice during the birth of my baby. I am not alone in this outrage and I will no longer feel like I cannot discuss my approach with people in my community. I am proof (times three) that my way can work. It may not work for all women, but women deserve the information to approach birth in a confident, empowered way. The outrage I felt at being so doubted has led me beyond birth activism, but that was the beginning for me. My priorities have shifted and I am so grateful that I am the person I am now. I can make a difference and I do, one woman at a time.

What I Was Reading

2009-01-19T15:56:00.004-05:00

I had three books I wanted to share with readers that have been on my nightstand. I am in the middle of all of them and am rotating them around so I thought I would give a little update on what is feeding my blog-brain for the future.

I had to title this post "What I Was Reading" because, given the crazy climate for buying a house, my husband and I put much energy into hunting down, finding, and are now in the home inspection process of buying a new house. Thus, I have not been reading these books for a couple of weeks so that will delay blog reflection even more! But, as a public service announcement I just had to say to women everywhere--call a mortgage professional if you think you may want to purchase a house. This is not our first house so we aren't eligible, but it is my understanding that there are amazing deals for first-time home-buyers. Look into it. This is a little about empowering women to take charge of their finances ala Suze Orman. Don't rent forever if you know you might be in the same place for the next few years. Houses/condos/new construction is on sale as well as interest rates. The climate is unlike any other in my lifetime. My mortgage officer said she hasn't seen rates like this in the 22 years she has been in the business.

We also learned that when it was once insulting to offer 10% off of a purchase price to begin negotiations, these days that is often a normal starting point. So you can afford to bargain and wait for the right house, especially if you aren't dying to move (which we weren't).

OK, back to the books I was reading before I became overwhelmed with real estate...

Misconceptions, by Naomi Wolf
This book is a great way to get childless-feminists to understand mother-feminists. It should be required reading in Women's Studies depts to help women understand the biology behind motherhood. How your brain, along with your uterus, changes so that you will mother a child to the best of your ability. Not with the ability to succeed in a labor force that was designed for men (which women have proved they can do), but instead gain the ability to have extra patience and extra empathy for a tiny dependent creature. Even if you have never thought of yourself as liking babies or small children, please read this book so you can understand what has happened to your feminist friends. They are still feminists, they just march to a different beat. What makes this book so important is that Naomi (much like myself) thought many of the mothering stereotypes wouldn't happen to her. I am loving her reflections on how she thinks pregnancy alone needs to be viewed as an accomplishment in society. I haven't read yet about her birth or her new baby.

The Sexual Paradox, by Susan Pinker
Nutshell: Girls that do very very well in school often choose to leave the labor force as adults while boys that do very poorly in school find holes in society where they can be experts and end up working long hard hours, often leading to great success. For instance, we often think of cooking as women's work but professional chefs are usually men. Turns out that this profession is incredibly intense and used to turn off many would-be female chefs (I trust the tide is turning). One man Pinker discusses is one who was dyslexic in school and never could do well. He found a profession where reading was limited and excelled. Much more to read, much more to dissect.

A Whole New Mind, by Daniel Pink
"Why Right-Brainers Will Rule The Future." I did not begin to think of myself as a right-brainer until recently. I was a rule follower and a just-do-the-standardized-test girl and felt pretty good about it. The world worked for me and I worked for it. The system was just fine, not perfect, but not that bad either. But then college, then studying abroad, then Sept 11th and most importantly, motherhood broke me out of my good-girl upbringing. The idea of telling my child to respect authority because that what authority demands is *not* how I want my children to think. I realize that I was still very left-brained when I worked on Wall Street. I did not understand why we were making so much money, I did not see the value we added to our clients. Nevertheless, I trusted my superiors and kept my nose to the grindstone. When I left that job, I promised myself I would always check into my instincts and believe in them. Reading about pregnancy and childbirth further helped me believe that our instincts are rarely given a priority when we make decisions today. Too much is decided on "that's just the way you do things" or "well, I owe it to my parents/education/peers to do something viewed as successful" when really, success finds you after you follow your instincts, at least that is my current philosophy. I am not saying every gut reaction is one to follow to your death. I do think each one is worth checking into and understanding where the instinct comes from, what you might know that others do not about yourself and how you see the world. But whoops, off topic, Pink doesn't really talk about instincts, he talks about design, empathy and story, and other skills that we (as a very left-brained society) don't view as skills at all. One point that is very simple to illustrate his thesis is how how MFA programs are landing their graduates similar positions at Fortune 500 companies as MBA programs. Corporations today know that story and design are huge. And if you haven't shopped at a Target yet, you should do so before reading this book. Much of what he uses to exemplify the abundance we have in our country and how our minds want more than left-brained solutions is showing how design is practically Target's middle name. The store, the products, and the actual designers of their items are a focus...the simple utility of objects is no longer enough for us.

Anyway, I'll be trying to finish one of these books soon and I hope to give a real review...or even a proofread one! With a June move date one might hope I could finish at least one book but, well, I know myself better than that. Wish me luck.

The Far Left, the Far Right and a Political Mobius Strip

2009-01-05T15:26:00.015-05:00

I like how blogging forces me to see if there are others out there who think the way I do so that I do not recreate a blog post. Given my constant distractions, I would rather link to a much more articulately written post with which I agree than craft it myself. I would appreciate others to let me know of other posts bringing the Left and Right together, in my searches I haven't found quite what I had in mind.

I have been bothered by the political spectrum lately. How the spectrum is described in our media and how our politicians cater to certain segments. I had not looked for alternatives to our the standard Left-Right linear spectrum until today.

I was very excited to find The Political Compass. It provides a great visual to the kind of thing I am describing. At one point during my brainstorming about this topic, I had come up with Political Venn Diagrams but got lost listing just how many circles might need to intersect to find the ideal government. The Compass is great and I hope it can help a lot of people from seemingly different perspectives see where they do agree.

Before I found the Compass, I had come to the conclusion that the normal political spectrum looked more like a mobius strip. The farther to either side you walk, sooner or later you have found yourself walking with people that walked from the other direction. The Compass has edges. I like the idea that sometimes you are walking next to someone that may be on the other side of the Compass from you. For instance, I know a very liberal man who is very authoritarian when it comes to the death penalty. The more we recognize outliers to any of these political spectra, the more we can be aware of how often people who often could work together get played against each other.

Here I want to list a few of the ways the far left and right have similar interests, but I would love to hear what is the first thing that comes to your mind if it isn't listed here. I think the theme for many of these crossovers is that "less government" is not necessarily a Republican virtue anymore (if it ever was). It just depends what *kind* of government we are discussing.

Homeschooling and its laws. For instance, in the state of Virginia, a parent who has a college degree has fewer requirements to fill than a parent without the degree. I have heard this is under debate. Homeschoolers span the political spectrum, despite being stereotyped as something of the Far Right in years past.
Midwifery and homebirth access. I was stunned to learn a few years ago that often the biggest friends to these issues are Republicans. Meanwhile, most of the families I know choosing midwives in my area voted blue this fall.
Anti-Bedsharing/cosleeping education. Publically funded outreach to discourage parents from bringing their babies to bed with them. Spending tax-payer money to make a mother feel bad for sleeping with her young like any other mammal. The latest Mothering issue did a fantastic job counteracting this campaign.
Legislation to encourage Breastfeeding. Whether you prefer longer leave for new mothers or you insist the government create flexible schedules for parents (and anybody else who needs flexibility) and remodeling government spaces to be baby-friendly, you can find liberals and conservatives coming together on topics like these.

I have have used up all my blogging time for today (and yesterday, when I began this post). Please excuse errors and confusing sentence structure. My goal in the New Year for this blog is to post with self-forgiveness so that I post more often. I don't want to sit on posts waiting to actually give them a 2nd (and 3rd) read-through someday.

Also, many of these thoughts were encouraged by one of my great commenters to my Newton's Laws post. She mentioned how the word "feminist" might need to be thought of more like the word "mother" or "writer." I think that is a great concept and in need of much more discussion. Feminism too spans the political mobius strip. In rebranding feminism today, we need to portray feminist thought as more fluid and on a continuum. In doing so, women can come together on so many issues instead of often seeing each other as far far away on the other side of the linear spectrum.

Cville Women's Blog

2008-12-30T15:42:00.005-05:00

Anybody interested in blogging about Women's Issues in a collaborative way? I am amazed how much good discussion has come out of the Newton's Laws post. I have been dreaming of having some Women's Conference take over Charlottesville, just like the Festival of the Book. Maybe what we need to start with is an "online conference." What I like about this is that it would have many many team members with some sort of common goal like "education and outreach about women's issues." Women's issues are also men's issues, of course, but my goal would be to get a representative from almost every non-profit and women's focus area to contribute here and there. Sort of a PNOC but about and for women in all life stages. Not another parenting blog, although parents SHOULD blog. Not another feministing, although feminists should blog. Something that brings us all together and has a goal of social change specific to Charlottesville and women's health outreach. Obviously it would be as unique as each blogger. It would function as a place to meet community-minded women of all ages and then having those women share what they know about our community.

After the community is formed online, then we could figure out some sort of regular meeting. I would stress that this would not be some sort of political group. This blog would focus on the information we think other women need to know to make informed decisions, not telling other women what is right and what is wrong.

The difference between this and simply streaming every Charlottesville woman's blog into one site is the collaborative spirit in information sharing. Does this make sense? The beauty would be that it is by and for Charlottesville area residents but will also be available to the rest of the world, just like PNOC. It would be a place for experts in women's issues to post the latest research. New women's health care providers could post their arrival to town. It would be a place to share employment opportunities for women who want part-time work. It would be WomensNews or WomenShare or simply CvilleWomen.

Perhaps you have already started this blog. That would be great, let me know!

Newton's Laws of Feminism

2008-12-26T14:30:00.002-05:00

Inertia. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. This post will likely make a lot of sense to you or no sense at all. If you think I am mouthing off, maybe I am. All in an effort to get some discussion going. I have sat on this post for awhile and am now in the mood to get it out of my brain space before the New Year.

Newton Law #1: A feminist is a feminist until an outside force acts upon her.

When did you become a feminist, when did you find yourself no longer a feminist and when did you personally redefine the word "feminist." I figured all women in my generation were feminists until recently. I started asking women older and younger than I if they thought of themselves as feminists and I have been really surprised how few women say "of course I am a feminist!" What are the forces acting on women that keep them from identifying with that word?

Some observations:

The feminist in an academic environment stays a feminist. She is surrounded by people who are constantly talking about sex and gender, questioning what wave we are all on. She is used to articulating what feminism means both to herself and others around her. She has community who cares.

A feminist who leaves school for non-academic work considers herself a feminist for a little while but then really defines herself more as a "worker". She begins to see her issues as worker issues, not always feminist issues. She leaves behind some of her worries about how the non-academic world might be since now she is living it.

One observation from this group of workers: When I have asked "worker" women this question, many worker women do not like the word "feminist." Often they say "well, I don't think I am a feminist because I think women can decide to stay home and shouldn't feel judged for that." WHOA! OK, it is true they are talking to me but...hmm. Very interesting. I have also been shocked at the replies of worker women to my suggestions of changing the system. Not usually a whole lot of interest. Doesn't sound very "old school" feminist to me. Some say worker women are feminists simply by working. If these women are not constantly questioning or challenging societal norms, that doesn't seem very feminist to me.

Enter an even greater force than leaving academia. It makes the academic and worker feminists in motion rest, some only for a few weeks, but it causes introspection for a lifetime.

Let me call the result of this force, "Feminism in the Childbearing Years". Motherhood both creates and ruins feminists. This force causes women to question everything everything her mother, sisters, friends and mentors ever told her about what it means to be a fulfilled woman. For every mother, finding her balance to happiness becomes so unique that she struggles to find a mentor, let alone a heroine. This force is so hard to describe that it has actually made factions within feminist groups.

As I contemplate the forces that act upon feminism--education, working, motherhood, surely there are more forces that energize or deflate the feminist within all of us. And more important than finding all these forces is finding the place where they can all coexist. Why is this so hard?

I get to plead naivete. I have very little feminist history under my belt. I like it that way. I was born in 1977. My world is feminist. And it is not. I choose to use the word "feminist" because I am immersed in women's issues right now. I occupy a world where I often discuss the woman's choice of WHERE to birth her baby, not IF she wants to birth the baby. Another important choice is to breastfeed in a bottle-feeding society. Do Reproductive-Rights-Oriented feminists make me feel like they want to hear about these issues? Not always.

Why do so many of my activist sisters feel left behind when we describe a modern feminism? I think we are some of the most active feminists in the country. I would like more recognition and more air time. From all media, but especially feminist media. They may not understand the force that is motherhood and how it affects women, but perhaps they can provide the space on their blogs for the discussion. Here is the last "midwifery" link on Feministing and I somewhat happily found this on BitchPhD. But I want more, I want variety and I want often. I would like some of these feminists to question their systems a little bit more. If you don't like your situation, change it. I am tired of people not being part of the solution.

Enter another force I see acting on feminists: group emotion. My husband does not like conferences, at least not that much. But oh do I get excited for a get-together with other women who think like I do. But...what fires me up does not fire up the worker feminist or the academic feminist. In fact, what fires up the academic feminists on BitchPhD is somewhat offensive to me. I know that I am not alone. By a some kind of reflexive property of offensiveness, I would guess "my" feminism must be offensive to them too. They will likely not want to discuss it. For instance, we all vilify Larry Summers, don't we? NO! I don't anyway! So I am not in the club? And honestly, I do not think congratulating yourself for keeping your children out of daycare merits self-loathing. What message are you sending me again? Do Caregivers Count? I really am such a babe in the woods still. All I see are the numerous women's issues we agree on and I think we could do so much for our country if we could meet each other half-way on those we do not.

I may be young but I can be loud too. Thirty may be the new twenty but maybe it is the right age for me to speak up. Maybe I can call myself a feminist and mean it. We all can. Be a feminist, you already are in my book, just tell your version of it. I am really tired getting the vibe that women who focus on feminist issues of mothers are not "real" feminists. NOW thinks they are but do not give them center stage. Well, maybe it is because I was a dancer but I am ready for the stage. Give us the stage! Where is my leader? I have some nominations ready to go: Deren Bader, Therese Hak-Kuhn, Peggy O'Mara, Brynne Potter, Sheryl Rivett ....can we please give these women the floor? They are amazing leaders--it isn't a generation issue, it is an opportunity issue.

Newton's Second Law of Feminism: the force of feminism should be equal to all women, including mothers (yes, even those including those that take mothering practices such as birth and breastfeeding very seriously), multiplied by the injustices each of them have seen along the way.

Can this force please start making itself known? Here are two conferences where I think it will show itself: BlogHer and Fem2.0. I would love to go to both of them. I have even registered for Fem2.0. However, I am also a mom of three children ages 5 and under and so I am realistic that I may not be able to attend. No matter what, I am excited about 2009 and many feminist years to come--no matter what forces may act upon me.

Negative Talk at Birth Circle

2008-12-15T23:28:00.005-05:00

Rh negative talk has become a hot topic at Birth Circle. Tonight marks the second meeting in a row where the routine treatment of RhoGAM for Rh negative mothers came up. Two months ago I hadn't met a woman who was questioning the protocol for being Rh negative and now I know four. FOUR women questioning a medical norm in two meetings, 4 weeks apart. I am excited for this group to start discussing their choices of treatment with me so I can pass on this wisdom to others out there. It seems like yet another support group in the making. Rh negative women should know they are not alone in questioning their treatment.

One thing that became clear is that Rh negative women do not feel they have enough information about the latest treatment, Rhophylac (and other preservative-free RhoGams: BayRho-D® Full-Dose; BayRho-D® Mini-Dose; MICRhoGAM®; RhoGAM®; Rhophylac®; WinRho SDF®). The traditional treatment of RhoGAM got lots of attention with its possible negative side effects to the baby so you can see why these women want answers.

I have to admit, I did not know much about this treatment because I am Rh positive and even if I were negative, I had my first baby at a teaching hospital in 2003. Perhaps they were already using a preservative free-RhoGAM and the controversy had calmed down?

Thimerosal, the preservative that is 49% Mercury, was removed from RhoGAM in 2001. Women in 2009 are hunting for studies and data to help them make hard decisions.

I have learned a few things that I think all Rh negative women should know:

1. If the father of the baby is Rh negative, you have virtually nothing to worry about. Care providers rarely ask what the father's blood type is.

2. If the baby is Rh negative, also nothing to fear. Women rarely hear about their chances of birthing an Rh negative baby.

3. Childbirth is designed to work. In a normal birth, baby's blood should not cross to the mother. The small risk of this happening is not discussed with women. Interventions increase the risk of baby's and mom's blood mixing so guess where most of these women are choosing to give birth....that's right, at home with midwives.

4. If the baby is Rh positive, you have a 72 hour window to give the mother the post-natal treatment. It isn't some sort of sudden panic at birth, you have three days to manage this situation.

What seems to be a common thread is more women questioning the traditional treatment at 28 weeks gestation. Women do not trust that the preservative-free RhoGAMs will not have some side effects to their babies or to their own bodies. These women want studies and they also want community. They want to see how other women proceed given different situations.

I would love to know what, if any, recent studies we have to cite for this topic. Please comment away if you have any perspective on this subject at all.

Ways of the Day (to make a difference)

2008-12-09T15:11:00.008-05:00

Interested in how toxins in our environment may be affecting you and your children? I am happy to introduce Lisa Frack from Portland, Oregon to all of you. Lisa is working for the Environmental Working Group (EWG) whose mission is to use the power of public information to protect public health and the environment. As the Online Parent Organizer, Lisa connects with parents to share EWG's research and activism opportunities. I am very interested in what I can do for the cause as a mother and an activist on the East Coast. Right now she is gathering contacts before she makes appearances around the country in 2009. If you or your friends live in TN, IA, PA, KS, or AZ, please let her (lisa@ewg.org) know so you can get you and your legislators involved! To learn more about this cause, please visit the EWG website and read about the Kid-Safe Chemicals Act. You can sign The Declaration here.

Another great cause is the United States Breastfeeding Committee. Please sign their petition to President-Elect Obama. From the USBC petition site:

In the coming months, our leaders will be focused on our economic and financial future. This time of crisis also presents an opportunity to remind them that working mothers are an essential part of our nation's economic security, just as the health of our children is a critical part of our future. A full three-quarters of mothers are now in the labor force. As government and employers cut back in response to the recession, many more families are struggling to cover the rising costs of health care, groceries, and other necessities. We need your support to ensure that in these troubled economic times, all women and families can access the resources and support they need to do what's best for their babies.

And speaking of Obama, did you know it is House Party time? But seriously...Get to know your neighbors and help fuel the grassroots community that got Obama elected by attending a House Meeting and voicing your concerns for the administration. If there isn't one planned yet near you, host one!

There are many other great easy ways to get involved, let me know of your current favorites.

Blowing Bubbles in the Cold

2008-12-06T01:00:00.000-05:00

"It is a great day to go outside and blow bubbles!" my son happily announced one very typical almost-winter day here in Charlottesville. Yes, it was cold, rainy and all my friends posted to their Facebook pages how they planned to stay inside and read under the covers. My knee jerk reaction to his suggestion was pretty predictable, "bubbles? It's raining, it's cold..." and so on. But after I allowed myself those first few replies I then asked, "why do you think it is a good day for bubbles?" It was in true interest of what makes my little guy tick that I asked but I hoped it wouldn't make any sense at all.

"When you blow bubbles on rainy days they stick to the ground and don't pop." Marcus, age 5

Hmmm. He was so right. Off we went. The bubbles looked great sparkling all over the lawn and the little guys had a blast stomping them. I got thinking about how grateful I am that he thinks unique thoughts like this. I am only regaining this ability. My five-year old sees many situations in ways most of us do not...and he doesn't even know it. I got thinking about how this mentality does relate to much of the activism I do lately. I try to look at a "cold environment" and try to blow bubbles in it anyway. I started vowing to myself I would not preach to my children from the default pulpit until after I hear their innovative approaches to situations. I shudder to think I almost didn't ask him his thoughts that day. I hope he always finds an audience for his unique perspective. Part of activism is finding the people that want to listen. Part of activism is also creating the audience.

Another example of bubble blowing happened to me about two years ago. I complained to a friend how much I hated matching socks. I can handle the laundry chore fine but oh the socks. My husband uses two pairs a day, minimum, and the white socks just mock me when I see them in the hamper. My friend quickly replied, "socks? That is my favorite! I just open up the drawer, dump them in, and move on!" I was dumbfounded. Not match socks? My mother not only matched socks but matched similarly-stained socks. I was wrestling with looking at relative styles at this point--already bringing shame to the family name. Well, my husband can affirm that one discussion has changed my life. I had never even considered just letting the socks float around in a drawer. And yes, I do still match the easy socks, the patterns and the boys' easy-to-match Hanes-stripe socks. But adult white male socks now get the stack-and-go approach.

An environment that was cold is now warm. Wow. There is something to thinking like this. Maybe it starts like this: You think of that thing that you don't love and wonder "what if this was my favorite thing, why would that be?" and maybe you find just the approach to change your focus. Sometimes it is really hard to wrestle your mind from all those cultural norms.

This got me thinking about all the things I now think are cultural norms only because I have a bubble of friends who have similar parenting styles as my husband and I do. I started laughing to myself how there are plenty of norms in my household that only 6 years ago I would have thought were completely fringe. They still are--just not to me. I started seeing my lifestyle as one big yard full of bubbles twinkling in a cold, wet environment. Here is a quick list of norms I have in my head that I easily forget many people do not have:

Cribs? Oh yeah, those. Toddler beds? Bed frames for children at all?
Quinoa? Most adults don't know about this awesome food? Gosh. That was me. (and p.s. Blogger's spellcheck doesn't even recognize "quinoa" as a word!)
Breastfeeding a toddler is "out there"? oh yeah, I remember thinking that.
Bribing you children with dessert, $1 toys at Target, video games? ate my words there.
Cloth diapers with PINS? I totally forget that image is out there.
Taking your baby to work is a radical idea? "Radical?" I am...I am...wow, I am proud to say that I don't see it as radical at all!

And so on. Realizing my norms that were not my norms ten years ago is my new game. Keeps me grinning.

I also recall how I cracked up a friend when I asked what exactly her smelly spray did for her kitchen table. She was pretty stunned at the question. I admit, I come from a spray-free culture but had never felt comfortable admitting it until then. I was feeling particularly brave and safe that day. I told her I usually go the water and washcloth route. We laughed about it, shared perspectives and...she is still one of my closest friends! Hallelujah! Why can't people ask each other questions like "why do you do this?" more often? I wish somebody asked me why I was matching socks many years ago. I would have realized there is more than one way to go about even the most simple rituals in our day. Is it possible to start evaluating everything we do and decide if the norm even makes sense anymore? I am trying to, especially the things I do not like to do.

Thinking all of this made me so proud to be a member of La Leche League. Here is one organization that knows how to blow bubbles in a cold environment. For instance, we often discuss the benefits of breastfeeding in our meetings. Simply by sharing a personal favorite, you give women extra support to put in their arsenal for doubters' questions. As the holidays creep closer, there will be plenty of people questioning new moms' practices in their families. Now here is a time when people feel very comfortable questioning and even challenging a personal/family norm. I want to stay optimistic and say just maybe these people truly want to understand "why breastfeed?" and do not know how to ask this question. Maybe they feel left out of the culture and judged. It is hard to let yourself be perceived as ignorant. But for some women learning that they are "allowed" more calories a day nursing than pregnant is exciting news, for others the ease of feeding your baby in the night is a huge perk. Health benefits for mother and baby are great pieces of knowledge to share and the list is practically endless. We can compare how the word "ease" is often equated in our society with warming bottles and sterilizing bottle nipples instead of simply holding your baby to your breast with no cleaning necessary.

I am quite excited to hear about ways others have found how to flip cold environments into warm ones and what other new norms you thought were for "crazy people" only a few years back. I think people often don't ask the question "why do you think the way you do?" and just keep their mind mainstream. It is a comfortable place to be. But the more we get used to standing out and illustrating why other points-of-view make sense to the mainstream culture, the closer we are to blending our personal norms into those of society. I'm sure the neighbors thought I was nuts blowing bubbles that chilly day but I think I brought a smile to their faces at the same time. They had to have seen those bubbles too, you couldn't miss them.

Industry Journals

2008-12-03T19:31:00.004-05:00

Guess what I did today...yes, I am very excited about it.

I introduced both Mothering and Brain, Child magazines to a classroom of 17 University of Virginia undergraduates. I used these magazines as visuals for a paper I presented on what I feel it means to be a feminist today. In this paper, I tried to synthesize various feminist voices such as Gloria Steinem, Linda Hirshman, F. Carolyn Graglia and Sandra Tsing Loh into one Third Wave SAHM voice. My professor liked my paper but...he wasn't so sure about my idea of taking your baby to work, at least at first. I gave a passionate mini-speech about how the critics, once upon a time, thought women would never become doctors in great numbers. The medical field was too hierarchical and male and it was just...just...just...no, it just won't happen. But now women outnumber men in medical schools and many patients prefer a female doctor. Lest my professor and classmates think I was a crazy loner with a loud voice about activist mothers, I held up these two magazines and called them "journals for my industry."

The Mothering issue was the 2005 "Bring Your Baby To Work" issue and the Brain, Child was a 2005 "Mothers' Revolution" issue. Most women in the class saw the Mothering and spent a few minutes looking at many pages within. The Brain, Child got stuck half-way around the room but I presented both magazines clearly enough that hopefully they will stick for future reference. The idea of introducing alternative periodicals (than those at your average grocery store check-out) to women before children or even marriage are on their radars really pumped me up. Then I got thinking....

What other "journals" should we be reading and sharing with women 10 years younger than we are? What magazine do you feel represents your industry? What magazines really address women's issues after the childbearing years? If you have ideas, please let me know (comment, please!).

For breastfeeding specific reading I recommend New Beginnings, the bimonthly La Leche League member publication. For girls ages 8-12, I recommend New Moon. My niece has liked it so much that I have renewed it for a third year.

I also encourage other bold women to find ways to show our industry journals to women who should know they exist. How can we do this? One idea is to find women's groups like UVA's FIFE or NeW and get these young women thinking a few years ahead. Another idea is to donate/gift subscriptions to professors you think could use them in their course material. The topics certainly fit under sociology, women/gender studies and policy umbrellas. Of course, you can also take an undergraduate class and be an older, wiser Third Wave voice that your classmates do not even recognize as their own until the semester is practically over. Other ideas? Please comment with other fun and stealthy ways to leave Mothering magazines near impressionable minds!

I told my professor to hang on to those two magazines for as long as he would like. In the meantime I will dream of young women stumbling upon our industry journals when they least expect it.

In Gratitude of Storytellers

2008-11-28T14:29:00.002-05:00

I just finished reading The Vagina Monologues (The V-Day Edition), by Eve Ensler. I am both embarrassed and proud.

I am embarrassed to say that I am 31 years old, college-educated, a wife and mother but had not read (or seen) this play until this holiday weekend. I lived in New York City when the play gained momentum but did not see it live. I am ashamed that I let some part of my brain wonder if I could handle the contents of this play and questioned if it even applied to me. I am disappointed that I didn't know how to respond to adults in academic circles who told me they thought the play was offensive. I had chances to influence people but I missed them. I am embarrassed, but only a little because...

I am proud to say that I am 31 years old and I have just read The Vagina Monologues. I can speak with confidence about the material for many years to many people of all ages. I want to reach out and talk to the people who fear this play and "resist" the activity surrounding this play every Valentine's Day. I am so relieved that the other part of my brain--that bigger, stronger, curious part that made me bold enough to check it out of the library--is satisfied. I am proud I made it a priority to sit and read this book, especially with family bustling around to witness my reading it, before and after our Thanksgiving feast. I am proud that I joined the V-Day list to know about events in 2009. I am excited to become a part of the community.

And then there is my confusion. How did this happen to me? I am worldly-enough. I am a progressive, grassroots kind of girl. I am a birth activist and did not know there is a monologue about birth. How did I not get swept into this movement before today? It is true, the material is slightly off-topic to the issues I spend most of my time supporting: informed childbirth, breastfeeding, alternative education. I wonder if it was assumed I knew the contents of this play, as if it were a basic prerequisite to my interest in women's health and motherhood. It is like I skipped "Modern Feminism 101" and dove right into the 300-level subject matter. And it is from this perspective that I return to embarrassment.

Why embarrassment again? Women and men in the middle of 300-level "life" subject matter can talk to each other. Women who breastfeed their babies have friends who formula feed their babies. Hospital-birthers can hang out with homebirthers and they can get over their differences. Teachers and parents of children in various school settings can get along, possibly even share a bottle of wine and learn from each others' choices. They may not be soulmates, but they can enjoy each others' company. They seem to understand the word "preferences." They understand that they agree on most things while disagreeing on only a few things. So I am embarrassed that we have not talked about bridge building more when it comes to things like The Vagina Monologues. Why is it that when we see a source of public confusion, do the bridge builders not come out of hiding for a few days to do some healing? Are there really too few of us? I refuse to believe that.

One thing I feel is commonly agreed upon is this:

"How crucial it is for women to tell their stories, to share them with other people, how our survival as women depends on this dialogue." Eve Ensler, TVM, pg. 98.

I see many women today taking sides. The attention The Vagina Monologues gets from conservative and religious groups proves this. I challenge women out there to not fall for it. First simply immerse yourself in the material you fear. No matter if it is Intro 101-material or Advanced 300-level material...read and then speak. Please do not speak out before talking to at least one person from the "other side." At least attempt to understand how the other side sees its case. Try empathy. Rethink that old "Beat 'em, join 'em" adage into "Join 'em and educate 'em." Stop worrying about "beating" them and winning some war that perhaps the other side doesn't even understand. Let yourself consider what it might mean to your support system to "switch sides"--perhaps reveal there were no sides in the first place, besides that of humanity. Now you can be a messenger. A bridge-builder. A healer.

Yes, you will find empowerment language and very sexual themes. It is true, taking the "V-Word" back is not on your priority list. But take the time to get closer. Risk discomfort. Be embarrassed and proud at the same time. Maybe even join me at a V-Day celebration, February 14th, 2009. It is an inclusive holiday--bring your date and be ready to see the world differently.

Attachment Theory Resources: Connecting Biology to Relationship

2008-11-25T09:39:00.007-05:00

I promised a few of you I would post some Attachment Theory resources. Here it is just in time for some long-weekend reading. Enjoy!

Many thanks to Chris Walker for sending me the resource list she uses in her practice. She is the psychotherapist who really helped me understand what Attachment looks like in all relationships, not just those with infants. If you want to narrow down the list with respect to academic credibility, look to the following: A Secure Base by John Bowlby, Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt, The Biological Roots of Love by Lauren Lindsey Porter, and Parenting from the Inside Out by Siegal and Hartzell.

Attachment and Conscious Parenting Resources
by Christine A. Walker, LCSW

Articles
“The Science of Attachment: The Biological Roots of Love by Lauren Lindsey Porter found at www.naturalchildproject.org
Bruce Lipton on Conscious Parenting in his book Biology of Belief
Google “Conscious Parenting” and “Mindful Parenting” for many resources

Books
“Attachment in the Classroom” by Heather Geddes
“A Secure Base” by John Bowlby
“Inside I’m Hurting: Practical Strategies for Supporting Children with Attachment Difficulties in Schools” by Louise Michelle Bomber
“Parenting from the Inside Out” by Daniel Siegal and Mary Hartzell
“Magical Parent Magical Child” by Michael Mendizza with Joseph Chilton Pearce
“The Boy Who was Raised as a Dog” by Bruce Perry
“The Connected Child” by Karyn Purvis and others
“The Science of Parenting” by Margot Sunderland (other books at this site at Amazon)
“Trauma Proofing Your Kids” by Peter Levine and Maggie Kline
“Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments” by Alfie Kohn
“Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby’s Brain” by Sue Gerhardt found at www.whylovematters.com

Film
“Trauma, Brain, & Relationship at www.traumaresources.org 7/08

Websites
www.askdrsears.com
www.attachmentparenting.org
www.belvederearts.com
www.centreforattachment.com
www.childtrauma.org
www.circleofsecurity.org
www.consciouslyparenting.com
www.drdansiegel.com
www.fatherstobe.org
www.naturalchildproject.org
www.parentmap.com
www.mindfulpediatrics.com

If you have questions for Christine you can reach her at:

Christine A. Walker, LCSW
408 East Market Street, Suite 204
Charlottesville, VA 22902
434-923-8253
cwalker@cstone.net

Investment Banking and American Obstetrics Have a Lot in Common

2008-11-19T00:45:00.008-05:00

If you have not read Michael Lewis's The End yet or if you don't have any connection to the Investment Banking industry at all, please read the first and last pages so you understand your dear Attached Feminist a little better. To Michael, thank you for your voice from another who was confused at 24. You inspire me to shout things people don't want to hear and need to from my mountaintop of a blog.

What do the Investment Banking and
American Obstetrics Industries Have in Common?

1. Both appear to be providing a service to you when in fact they do not work for you but for a flawed system.

2. The service does not demonstrate proper evidence that it provides what it says it should

3. Both employ young people with big educations to talk authoritatively to you about things that you may know much more about, simply by using common sense

4. These things (your money, your body, your child) are things of vital importance to your day-to-day life. The service provider, though affected by a negative outcome, will not feel it daily the way you will.

5. If you disagree with an expert, you will often be made to feel ignorant and small

6. If you part from that expert, your friends and family will think you are crazy....

7. ....until you prove your point. They then will a) wonder how you got so bold as to question society's norms and b) continue to have mixed emotions about it all.

8. If data increases and the media get a hold of it, the industry will not take the warning and overhaul from within. Instead, experts will dismiss the data and begin a witch-hunt. They will fight for what they know and forget who will be hurt by the fight.

9. Consumers of these services are often ignorant until too late to save themselves from harm

10. Consumers will say it didn't feel right but they trusted the service provider

Lessons to Learn

1. If it doesn't sound right: research
2. If it doesn't feel right: research
3. If you have any doubt in your mind it isn't right....RESEARCH.
4. Even if you love your service provider, follow up with a little bit of research!

Trust yourself. Take control over your life. Find your voice. Or a doula who will help you. Like Michael Lewis.

A Lecture with Social Conservatives

2008-11-17T10:06:00.007-05:00

Sunday night I had the honor of being invited into a professor's home and hearing a guest lecturer present a talk on The Sexual Revolution. I do not come from the same Catholic background as most of the people in attendance so I am very grateful that this professor saw in me the ability to respect his and his students' perspective. I was very excited to attend and simply listen and observe.

The lecture was thought provoking. If you are Catholic, it is hard to defend your beliefs these days when people dismiss you the instant they know of your religious leanings. You don't even get a chance to speak. This group of students feel unheard and misunderstood. I learned that they see vegetarians/vegans not being forced to defend themselves, ignored by their peers or perceived by society as "meat-eater haters." I learned that they feel like they are in the minority lately, or at least on the East Coast.

Our speaker discussed our society's "will to disbelieve." She compared scholars promoting the Sexual Revolution to Communist scholars during the Cold War. I am still wrapping my brain around this analogy.

As in the case of communism, she argued, intellectuals faced with the overwhelming evidence that libertine sexual ethics has been disastrous have engaged in Panglossian rationalization. (From this article)

I will be musing on how good liberal folk can articulate counterpoints to her arguments. My husband, who was vegan for over five years and raised Catholic, had a few right off the top of his head. I would love to hear from some of you how you see bridges being built between good people of all religious backgrounds.

I did not feel particularly frustrated by the actual lecture but by the Q&A afterwards. Topics like The Laramie Project and the election came up. This is when I began to wiggle and worry about being "found out." These topics that were not as specific to the lecture as I would have liked and I felt a bit bad for the speaker who I think must've known the audience may have varying opinions about these topics.

I felt that the students were really looking for guidance. "What do 'we' believe about these things?" seemed to be the tone. Students wrestling with an individual reaction but trying to fit in with this nice group of conservatives.

I wanted to remind them of the thousands of devout Christians who did NOT vote for McCain. I wanted to share with them the handful of sexually liberated women that I knew voted Republican. Did they know how fearful many Americans were that JFK would turn America over to the Pope? Like the Jon Stewart clip, what are they so afraid of?

I wanted to ask what they really thought of having a play set in a church, whether or not it was about a gay man. Do they have any gay friends? Would they like to meet some gay people in a way that was safe for them?

It was not my night to do outreach but I left hoping to build some bridges. It is the in liberal-minded scholar's best interest to be respectful and give all voices the opportunity to be heard, not just those with whom the scholar agrees. Why? From Commentary Magazine:

In her lucid introductory essay, Mary Eberstadt persuasively identifies the common element. Nearly all of her contributors have been shaped in a decisive way by their negative experiences as students in elite American universities, and by their encounters with the fashionable academic ideas that have come to infect political and professional practice. From Dinesh D’Souza’s wild and entertaining tales of his days at the Dartmouth Review, to Heather Mac Donald’s exasperated account of the nihilism of literary studies at Yale in the 1980’s, to Peter Berkowitz’s repeated encounters with the “knee-jerk contempt” accorded those who try to defend the liberal tradition against its illiberal practitioners, these writers have been formed by the high-handed intellectual monoculture that is American higher education, especially of the elite variety. As Eberstadt puts it, “The Left/liberal monopoly on campus has . . . inadvertently created some of the very political refugees whose work now fuels the world of conservative think tanks, journals, and ideas.”

No matter how you feel about the Sexual Revolution, Catholicism or Social Conservatives, I think there does need to be a lot more listening going on and a lot less "us-them"--by both sides.

A Third Wave Feminist Mother on Modern Work-Life Possibilities

2008-11-15T16:53:00.023-05:00

While looking for essays on Third Wave Feminism, I found this article by Martha Rampton, a professor of history and director of the Center for Gender Equity at Pacific University. She states:

...the third-wave's ... refusal to think in terms of "us-them" or in some cases their refusal to identify themselves as "feminists" at all.

This supports what I feel is going on with mothers choosing to call themselves feminists (or not) these days. According to Rampton, the third wave of feminism began in the mid-90s. The 90s were my teen (class of '95) and college years ('99). I agree that I do not think in an "us-them" way and Rampton's description above is the feminism I feel to be contemporary feminism. We women deserve respect. We make different choices based on different life experiences. And yes, I do respect women who make dramatically different choices than I do.

My MIL describes a time when she was treated like an outcast when she told women she stayed home with her children. How could have these women done this to her? Or was it mostly in her head given the media focus of Second Wave feminism? Women today are joining groups like MomsRising, The Mothers' Movement, Activistas, and the Holistic Moms Network to name a few. NOW has a Mothers Matter, Caregivers Count campaign that I believe needs much more media attention. Recently on Facebook I was invited into a "Circle of Moms" and Yahoo has a Parenting section within its recently launched Shine hub-for-women site. Needless to say, becoming a mother does not mean you drop out of society. Actually, there is even more "society" available once baby comes.

Third Wave feminists are not arguing the merits of working vs. homemaking. The question I struggle with is how we work when children are also a huge part of our lives. This goes for men too, no doubt about it. But since women face pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding, how can we get them the information they need before they face important decisions for themselves and their families? I began volunteering in the childbirth and breastfeeding communities because I see women from all demographics making less-than-informed choices in a world seemingly overflowing with information. I think the same lack-of-information problem applies to women trying to make smart work-life decisions.

Recently I started reading books like Creating a Life and Off-Ramps and On-Ramps because I think about re-entering the labor force.* I am thrilled to see huge corporations adjusting their policies to retain top talent. I see women (and men) challenging workplace norms here in Charlottesville too.

Is this message being received by the women a decade younger than I am? I am not so sure. I think many women think they will enter a work environment that is not subject to negotiation. Many may wonder if the issues of the Second Wave are what they should roll up their sleeves and get ready to fight. They may not witness negotiations during their first years on the job and this may color their perspective of what is feasible.

Know negotiating a balance that works for you is possible--men and women are adjusting their schedules all the time. When the time comes for you to switch things up, just ask! And if you don't know what to ask for, write up your perfect schedule and ask to discuss it with your personnel officer. Now remember, the HR executives may not be products of third wave feminism as much as you are; they may not see all the shades of grey between the in-office 40+ hour work week and staying home with your child. If you are good at your work, I am hopeful HR will be receptive to negotiations. Once you figure things out, talk about what worked and what didn't. This will help women looking up to you pave their own way in a few years.

I want women to brainstorm what could be part of a desired dream schedule or work environment that could include babies and toddlers. You never know until you get there what will work but it doesn't hurt to think of the options. Could your 3 month old baby come to work with you until he crawls? Could you telecommute some until preschool begins? Maybe hire some care on the side for the weekly staff meeting? Or better yet, can you swap care with a friend who is in a similar position? There are many people just like you out there. Find each other and work it out.

A study published by the Pew Research Center shows part-time work to be the ideal for many women. I think feminists get this, at least in the Third Wave. I think it is time for women to feel confident in their negotiating power. They shouldn't wait for it to happen to them through public or corporate policy. Only you know how you will be at your most efficient. It is in your employer's best interest to listen to you. They are at risk of losing your talent and their resources in finding and training your replacement. It is win-win. You have the tools and the support to create the perfect balance in your life during each chapter.

Yes, I chose to stay home with my children but that doesn't mean I think all mothers should or can do as I did. I simply want future mothers to know of a newer work-life choice: it is possible to stay physically close to your children and earn an income at the same time. The role models are few, but they are out there. Make it happen and become a role model yourself.

*Note that I may not re-enter the labor force. We shall see what the future brings. The two sides of my brain are still in negotiations regarding "5-and 10-year plan" thinking.
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Hungry for more Third Wave feminism? Here is a fantastic description of what feminism IS today from another Third Wave mother, Kim Wells.

Do you drink a Coke a day?

2008-11-15T12:15:00.002-05:00

For those of you who have not met my mother-in-law (MIL), I have to introduce her briefly. This woman is a fantastic role model of women's health self-education. She runs, loves yoga and pilates, swimming, takes vitamins and herbs daily, looks into homeopathic remedies before reaching for a prescription drug, researches natural vs. synthetic hormones, and always reads the labels on the foods she eats and the drugs she takes. She loves her compounding pharmacist and drives all the way from Pennsylvania to Virginia to see doctors that best fit her style. She is a very spunky 51-year-old and I love hearing what drives her crazy.

Tuesday, my dear mother-in-law found out she has osteoporosis. I was stunned. She does everything right. Her doctor asked if she had any idea what might be going on. I asked the same question. What could it be, stress?

She nodded...she did have an idea. She loves her Coke and has at least one a day and has for years. She had read that the phosphoric acid in colas may be linked to bone density loss. As Coke was still one of her very few vices, she had not thought as hard about the few articles that had come across her path. But now she is thinking hard about the Coke.

Your first thought might be "well, sure, if people drink soda instead of milk then they do not get enough calcium every day." The Osteoporosis Advisor says:

While previous studies have suggested that cola contributes to bone mineral density loss because it replaces milk in the diet, Tucker determined that women in the study who consumed higher amounts of cola did not have a lower intake of milk than women who consumed fewer colas. However, the authors did conclude that calcium intake from all sources, including non-dairy sources such as dark leafy greens or beans, was lower for women who drank the most cola. On average, women consumed 1,000 milligrams of calcium per day, and men consumed 800 milligrams per day, both lower than the daily recommended 1,200 daily milligrams for adults over age 50.

That certainly fits my MIL--she takes multivitamins as well as drinks calcium-fortified orange juice. Maybe that wasn't enough. As of Tuesday, she is now supposed to take 4,000 mg of calcium per day.

As one of my goals for this blog is to connect and educate women about their health I thought I should let readers out there know what I just learned this week. Also from The Osteoporosis Advisor:

The message from experts is clear that overall nutritional choices can affect bone health, but "there is no concrete evidence that an occasional cola will harm the bones," says Tucker. "However, women concerned about osteoporosis may want to steer away from frequent consumption of cola until further studies are conducted."

As I learn more about this cola-osteoporosis correlation, I will let you know. You can bet my MIL is tackling the research this weekend and will be familiar with every published study on the topic by Thanksgiving.

My guess is that we will be offered milk or orange juice with the Tofurky.

Check out a NOW near you!

2008-11-12T23:01:00.006-05:00

Do you know what your local NOW chapter is up to? I do! I am proud to report back from my first CvilleNOW meeting. Yes, it was great, and I am thrilled to associate myself with yet another group of intelligent, community-focused women.

In attendance were 8 women including myself and an equally motivated-for-change friend. Five of the remaining six women were at least 45 years old. I was the only one who brought a child (my 18 month old). The president said she came to her first meeting with her toddler too....about 20 years ago. They were all happy about the election and most seemed to have volunteered at the polls. They all appeared to be pro-choice but I loved how woman said "nobody is pro-abortion...nobody." They were living very full lives but seemed genuinely happy to carve out the one hour and 45 min meeting once a month to get together.

I did a lot of talking to introduce myself to this core group and I was so so relieved to see my audience nodding in understanding. I learned I was not the only one frustrated by what I see to be a misperception of feminism. The feminists I met tonight do not frown down upon women who leave the labor force, nor do they hate men. The word "humanist" came up. The environment was so supportive of informed decision making and we touched upon how the debate about one very important choice seems to prevent women from coming together on so many other very important choices we must make in our lives.

We also discussed:

the HPV vaccine lecture CvilleNOW recently sponsored
helping local women facing decisions about unplanned pregnancies
pro-choice day in Richmond
a possible local descrimination lawsuit
library displays about women in local history: one targeted to adults, one to children
interesting things that came to the PO Box
my professor for my Sex Differences class
the various women's groups on my radar and my desire to connect them

What could happen if 20- and 30-something women from all over our country start attending NOW meetings? With such a huge platform of issues, it seems you can make your chapter whatever you want it to be. Talk it up to your friends, I was so surprised how many of mine have been in touch with me since I said I was going to the meeting tonight.

If you are a woman looking to get involved in this country, NOW is a great place to start. Here is their official purpose:

NOW is the largest, most comprehensive feminist advocacy group in the United States. Our purpose is to take action to bring women into full participation in society — sharing equal rights, responsibilities and opportunities with men, while living free from discrimination.

Why "Attached"

2008-11-10T10:09:00.004-05:00

I had never heard of Attachment Theory until I was pregnant with my first child. In fact, I had heard of only Attachment Parenting until that first child was 4 years old. Posts in the future will reflect my support of Attachment Parenting in particular, but I want to briefly discuss the Theory behind the Parenting. I am no expert, but I am learning, and certainly encourage comments to help us all understand Attachment Theory better.

Last December I invited a local psychotherapist who studies Attachment Theory to Birth Circle. She gave an overview of Attachment Theory and answered parenting questions. One of the questions that I still simmer on from that night was "What does Attachment look like with older children?" With infants there are concrete to-dos like breastfeeding and going to your baby when he cries. But once your baby (or rather, toddler?) has weaned and has learned to sleep peacefully through the night...how do you know you are still promoting the "strong emotional bond" your child needs to grow into an emotionally secure adult? When a child is small, his wants and his needs are the same. At some point, some of his wants become wants and not needs but how do you know the difference?

What I learned that night is that Attachment Theory (AT) applies to all relationships, not just those with your children. It is about meeting the needs of those we love with a mentality of understanding, cooperation and a focus on the bigger picture. We may argue with a spouse about something trivial, but there may be an underlying need for understanding or respect that has been left out of the discussion. Your 5 year old may start coming into your bed during the night after months of sleeping soundly in his own bed, but for no obvious reason: no nightmare, he isn't cold, he isn't sick..... The AT approach for this child may mean providing reassurance with kindness and flexibility, not contempt or disciplinary action.

In all relationships, you may not always know what the underlying need is, but AT teaches us to give the person the benefit of the doubt that there is a need. A need that requires the same gentle touch figuratively that you gave quite literally to the newborn.

We all have wants and we all have needs. I feel the lesson I get from Attachment Theory is to back up from challenging situations, take a deep breath and try to figure out which is which.

Birth Circle to Blog Circle

2008-11-08T21:54:00.002-05:00

Here in Charlottesville I facilitate a support group for pregnant women. This group meets to share personal experiences in the childbearing years. The average American woman knows very little about pregnancy, childbirth and the immediate postpartum until she experiences it first hand. This Birth Circle helps to provide that woman-to-woman support and education our culture has lost. There is no one way to become a mother and all experiences are fascinating and valuable to the women who attend. I learn something every time.

It is in this vein that I hope my blog can become a sort of circle for women to share their life experiences. Because I am still in my childbearing years and because I have recently become interested in revitalizing the feminist movement (to give mothers the confidence they need to work or not to work) my blog will kick off with those themes.

As I gather reader input, I hope to hear from women in ALL life stages. I want to learn what their concerns are right now and what they wish they had known 5+ years prior to this concern. Dating After College? Quitting Your First Job? How Do I Know He Is The One? When Should I Have My First Baby Given XYZ? Going Back to Work? Menopause? Widowhood? I hope to create dialogue that brings women together for a change. Lately I have been a witness to factions I feel only damage what we can do if we can share some common interests.

Women's Health, Americans Respecting Women, Mothers Respecting Mothers (vs. The Mommy Wars? please), Childless Women Respecting Mothers Respecting Childless Women....these are not partisan issues in my book.

I can name so many groups that focus on a specific issue facing women today. I would love people from all walks to share what they think other women need to know or might like to hear. Let's compile it all and then figure out what to do with it later!

Call For Concrete "Life With Children" Examples

2008-11-08T19:58:00.001-05:00

My musings today have been inspired by the power talk* at soccer practice this morning as well as from a lunch date earlier this week. Thank you to both women for your help with this post.

For those of you who have not heard, I am taking a class at UVA this fall entitled "Sex Differences: Biology, Culture, Politics and Policy." I have many thoughts from this class that will find a home here over the next weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep at night if I put these thoughts somewhere!

Based on my experience in this class, I do not think our institutions of higher education are preparing young women for a realistic view of life with children. Well, yes, that statement is based on my own experience primarily but has come to my attention again as I witness these young women grapple with the choices they face.

Now that I am in my 30s, I have been a witness to so many kinds of careers and so many types of women that I think we could do a better job showing our younger women the buffet of options. I know I perceived success-after-college with a sort of "executive" mentality so perhaps this revelation does not apply to all women. I knew I would have children along the way, but "ideally" I would have this satisfying career at the same time. I had no idea what motherhood would mean to me. I doubt any woman ever does until it happens to her. I have shared my few life experiences with my classmates and they seem to want to hear more.

Tonight I want to list many ways you can combine work with motherhood that are not "either-or" or the vague "flex hours" terminology I think gets thrown around. I hope readers will post what they have witnessed which will help teach women how to negotiate their unique work-family balance. I know when I was in college I assumed I would 1) stay home or 2) work 8-5 and have a Nanny or even a Stay-At-Home-Dad (SAHD). I had no idea of the shades of grey that are the realities many mothers deal with today.

So here we go, starting with myself:

1. I describe myself as a Stay-At-Home-Mom. Business day can include volunteer work with children in tow. I am taking a class which has been a great gift to my psyche, and I know I am very lucky to have the support to fit this into my life. My mother, my mother-in-law (MIL) and my husband have all watched the children while I go to this 4 hour activity in the middle of a business day, once per week. The non-business hours when children, husband or house do not need me I am on the computer or meeting with fellow volunteers without children. I did earn some money in the past 3 weeks managing a visiting lecturer to UVA and did most of the work from my computer or my BlackBerry (the best Mother's Day present yet!). 20 hours of work, never needed to hire a babysitter until the actual event and that was only so my husband could attend with me.

2. Stay-At-Home-Mom-That-Works-Too. I have a friend who is primarily a SAHM but then works away from home in the late afternoon hours. She swaps daycare for the one hour/workday her hours overlap with her husband's. She also volunteers heavily and, like me, is a SAHM that is not really staying at home all day!

3. Back-To-School-Mom juggles her own course work with volunteer work and changing the world one neighbor at a time. She has worked many jobs in the hours when her husband was home from his work and could be with the children. When she needs time during after-school business hours she gets help from her community and occasionally family.

4. Academic Mom that Currently Takes 3 Month Old Baby to Work. This option is what I want to educate women about so they can work toward this goal if staying at home during the early months is not possible or preferred. This Mom has older school-age daughter, has MBA and PhD, works part-time and her exclusively breastfed baby is with her at work. She described to me how most of her positions in University environments were always very supportive of her creating a schedule that would work for her family. She confidently shared how it "always worked out" (Corporate America, Interview Her!). As baby gets older, she will roll with it and figure it out. How many of our young women know how to figure it out as they go? I think they are all "figuring out" their 5- and 10-year plans instead! (I want to post about expectations with a new baby someday too.)

5. Starting-Her-Own-Business-Mom. She homeschools which gives her great flexibility (yes! another post someday, by a guest-blogger) in finding hours to work on her business. She also relies on her husband, her father and her community for the rare hours she has to herself.

6. Owns-Her-Own-Business-Mom. I have three of these on my radar. All brought baby to work (two boutiques and one hair salon). I know specific details of only one: one boutique owner has breastfed her 2nd baby into toddlerhood and she has a large space for him to play/nap in the back of her store. There are extra hands on deck in the store for help with customers. Her older child is in preschool now.

7. Full-Time-Teacher-Mom was able to stay at home while her children were infants and her schools always rolled the red carpet back out for her return. During a few weeks with one baby she did rely on her mother, sister, and grandmother-in-law for childcare so she could finish out a school year. In that time I think she discovered how truly difficult it can be to be a breastfeeding working mother in our country. She did it though and hopefully she will share the details of those weeks so readers getting ready for motherhood can learn from her experience.

8. Physician-Mom. Had her first baby her first year of residency at the age of 26ish. Early years were tough I am sure but she and the family have made it through, that baby is now 17 and applying to colleges. She relied on her husband in the early weeks, then a day care provider who watched each of her 3 children until they were old enough for Montessori preschool. She breastfed her third child for 18 months. Yes, she pumped for most of them! Amazing.

9. Corporate-Mom. I have two of these friends, I'm sure their situations are very different but this they have in common: each friend telecommutes much of the time, travels some of the time and has a nanny a bit of the time. One has a husband I know can work from home some of the time. I hope to get their stories here too!

10. Opt-Back-In-Mom. I have a friend who recently returned to work as a therapist. She is easing back in as she builds her case load. She was out of this field for about 8 years as she mothered two children until they both attended the same school for a full school day. The transition is tough but she is plugging away. It is inspiring to see her back to her career and I would love her to share her perspective as well.

Enough for tonight. Time for you to elaborate on the way your life with children is different than what you thought it might be or what kind of childcare arrangements worked best for you when you went back to work. I and my classmates want to know!

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*power talk = the intense high speed conversation maintained by two multitasking moms. It lasts approximately 10 minutes and in that amount of time both women barely take a breath, insert positive reinforcement for their children's good behavior as insurance to not get disturbed in their spoken word when it would be inconvenient, and manage to keep the train of thought clear enough to feel like they had a real adult conversation when it is complete.

Goals for this blog

2008-11-07T15:34:00.000-05:00

1. To provide a forum for older women to share information and advice with younger women
2. To discuss the intersection of feminism and motherhood in America today
3. To promote awareness of Attachment Theory
4. To compile the wisdom of women of all life stages into policy recommendations
5. To get women-friendly policy ideas into the hands of policy makers