Here I am, at the place so many moms come to if they have learned to question social norms...I'm questioning the ways we, as Americans, educate our children.
I was a public school kid and I think I liked it most of the time. During the early years I had mostly teachers that were inspired enough and I was a great student so did it even matter much? I had a fairly decent adolescence. I enjoyed high school although I was very eager to get to college and around more people like me. I'm not sure why I feel the need to question public school with such fond memories but yet here I am.
My husband and I recently visited a local public elementary school. Nobody seemed unhappy. But something didn't feel right, at least to me. I am now questioning "what is school for?"
Some thoughts come to mind, especially those I was raised with:
1. "School is for socialization"
2. "School is to teach kids how to 'be' "
3. "School is the three R's"
But what if your home life provides all of this? No doubt not all households do, and I am not saying I even agree with 1-3. But, here's another take, what IF everything "schooling" means to you you find you can do on your own time? Or if schooling is = "homeing" or at least kind of close to it. Just what if.
Then start thinking, well, "schooling" maybe should be
1. "supplementary"
2. "additive"
3. "world-opening"
4. "exposure to various perspectives"
5. "something I [the parent] am not good at"
And what else? You tell me what schooling means to you. Because when I sit with my 5 year old and tell him about coins, I don't feel I am "schooling" him. But when I see kids at school learning about money, that is definitely "school" or a "lesson."
I am finding my own way, and I challenge all parents to find their ways as well. This may mean public, independent or home schooling. It may mean a co-op or a free school or unschooling. It may mean going solo, pairing up with other families or doing what your community does as a whole. As usual, continue to question what the experts say your child needs and look at your situation. Trust your instincts...I am trying my best to trust my own.
Showing posts with label society today. Show all posts
Showing posts with label society today. Show all posts
Friday, February 27, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Last Night's "F-Word" Discussion
I just have to get this post started even if I run off to pick up the 5 year old. My brain has been swimming for the last 12 hours.
Last night I and seven other women came together to discuss what feminism means to us and our country and I think we are really onto something fantastic.
We talked about everything under the sun related to women's issues--workplace concerns, education, inspiration, how "the plan" changes, and I could keep going. I want to just list all the topics I can remember for now...
We talked about phases of life, new motherhood, sex differences with nurturing and geniuses, Larry Summers, is it ok for women to be "on average, better" at some things? Does it bother you to say that men or women may have different skills if those differences aren't used against either sex? It bothered some of us, but not all of us.
We talked about how we individually felt about strippers and then how we feel feminists feel about stripping, modeling, and being a "sex worker." (I am already an old person and didn't realize that one doesn't use the word "prostitute" or "whore" anymore.)
I was educated and humbled that there are many other F-Words out there. I am well aware that there is misinformation and hurt feelings revolving around women's choices to breastfeed or not, but I had no idea that just saying "formula" was really hard for some women to hear or discuss--no matter if they used or did not use it. I had heard once upon a time when I was a student but had long since worried about using the word "slutty" to describe a style of clothing. I knew thong underwear was being sold to tweens but it was not on my radar that even there was a market for thongs that fit 7-year olds.
We questioned the media. Does it get too much credit for how our men and women see each other or not enough? We questioned our language. Besides "whore" and "slut" we discussed just how we talk to little girls and little boys differently. Do you really think boys and girls' are treated as differently in school today as we were taught they were 20 years ago? I have my opinion. It may not match yours.
How do we get younger women to understand what the bigger issues are? Do we agree that we should be upset at that NASCAR woman using her body to sell GoDaddy? Do we think that a woman may have even thought of that marketing idea? I shared that I got an email about Bubba getting a job and that doesn't keep me from respecting men and thinking they are capable. I do not worry about my own sons seeing cleavage when they are teens and having them think that means women are all sex objects.
I question what is wrong with me...or what is right...as a mother of boys....
Do we all agree that when women entered male-dominated jobs they just proved they could work like men but now it is time to actually change the way we view modern workplaces? What if women had gone to work first, with babies in tow, and left the men home to be house managers? The 8 hours work day was a dream once upon a time and women were perhaps relieved to no longer be so stressed with the family-farm-based schedule and pressures of feeding a family. Free time was created when our society became more industrialized in many ways. And yet now we are so uber industrialized we don't ever shut it off.
Are you worried that there are not enough female mathematicians? Computer scientists? Do you think the English majors and Sociology majors needed more convincing? Where do personal preferences come into play? Can you really blame one 6th grade teacher for everything you study as an adult?
What era really did things get out of whack? The 50s? The 80s? If the American Association of Pediatrics had always advocated mother-baby togetherness and breastfeeding for at least a year, would have male-dominated work places changed as women entered them? Now women have proved they can detach from their children, but do we want to keep up this trend? Well, I cannot lie, I have used the word "Attached" in my blog title....I think it is time for social change.
This discussion was the first of many. Ladies who came, please post other "minutes" to this blog to show the world what we covered. And other readers, please give us more food for thought.
The average age of our participants was about 30. Nobody under 25 came and no feminists of the Second Wave made it either. Life happens, I get that, and in some ways I am grateful we didn't have a full house. I am hopeful that we will get talking more, both online and in person. We can have a late evening discussion or a coffee hour another time. Could I dream that Charlottesville will begin to feel a surge of female energy that could really change the lives of women locally and beyond?!
Gotta go, I want to hear from you!!!
Last night I and seven other women came together to discuss what feminism means to us and our country and I think we are really onto something fantastic.
We talked about everything under the sun related to women's issues--workplace concerns, education, inspiration, how "the plan" changes, and I could keep going. I want to just list all the topics I can remember for now...
We talked about phases of life, new motherhood, sex differences with nurturing and geniuses, Larry Summers, is it ok for women to be "on average, better" at some things? Does it bother you to say that men or women may have different skills if those differences aren't used against either sex? It bothered some of us, but not all of us.
We talked about how we individually felt about strippers and then how we feel feminists feel about stripping, modeling, and being a "sex worker." (I am already an old person and didn't realize that one doesn't use the word "prostitute" or "whore" anymore.)
I was educated and humbled that there are many other F-Words out there. I am well aware that there is misinformation and hurt feelings revolving around women's choices to breastfeed or not, but I had no idea that just saying "formula" was really hard for some women to hear or discuss--no matter if they used or did not use it. I had heard once upon a time when I was a student but had long since worried about using the word "slutty" to describe a style of clothing. I knew thong underwear was being sold to tweens but it was not on my radar that even there was a market for thongs that fit 7-year olds.
We questioned the media. Does it get too much credit for how our men and women see each other or not enough? We questioned our language. Besides "whore" and "slut" we discussed just how we talk to little girls and little boys differently. Do you really think boys and girls' are treated as differently in school today as we were taught they were 20 years ago? I have my opinion. It may not match yours.
How do we get younger women to understand what the bigger issues are? Do we agree that we should be upset at that NASCAR woman using her body to sell GoDaddy? Do we think that a woman may have even thought of that marketing idea? I shared that I got an email about Bubba getting a job and that doesn't keep me from respecting men and thinking they are capable. I do not worry about my own sons seeing cleavage when they are teens and having them think that means women are all sex objects.
I question what is wrong with me...or what is right...as a mother of boys....
Do we all agree that when women entered male-dominated jobs they just proved they could work like men but now it is time to actually change the way we view modern workplaces? What if women had gone to work first, with babies in tow, and left the men home to be house managers? The 8 hours work day was a dream once upon a time and women were perhaps relieved to no longer be so stressed with the family-farm-based schedule and pressures of feeding a family. Free time was created when our society became more industrialized in many ways. And yet now we are so uber industrialized we don't ever shut it off.
Are you worried that there are not enough female mathematicians? Computer scientists? Do you think the English majors and Sociology majors needed more convincing? Where do personal preferences come into play? Can you really blame one 6th grade teacher for everything you study as an adult?
What era really did things get out of whack? The 50s? The 80s? If the American Association of Pediatrics had always advocated mother-baby togetherness and breastfeeding for at least a year, would have male-dominated work places changed as women entered them? Now women have proved they can detach from their children, but do we want to keep up this trend? Well, I cannot lie, I have used the word "Attached" in my blog title....I think it is time for social change.
This discussion was the first of many. Ladies who came, please post other "minutes" to this blog to show the world what we covered. And other readers, please give us more food for thought.
The average age of our participants was about 30. Nobody under 25 came and no feminists of the Second Wave made it either. Life happens, I get that, and in some ways I am grateful we didn't have a full house. I am hopeful that we will get talking more, both online and in person. We can have a late evening discussion or a coffee hour another time. Could I dream that Charlottesville will begin to feel a surge of female energy that could really change the lives of women locally and beyond?!
Gotta go, I want to hear from you!!!
Monday, January 5, 2009
The Far Left, the Far Right and a Political Mobius Strip
I like how blogging forces me to see if there are others out there who think the way I do so that I do not recreate a blog post. Given my constant distractions, I would rather link to a much more articulately written post with which I agree than craft it myself. I would appreciate others to let me know of other posts bringing the Left and Right together, in my searches I haven't found quite what I had in mind.
I have been bothered by the political spectrum lately. How the spectrum is described in our media and how our politicians cater to certain segments. I had not looked for alternatives to our the standard Left-Right linear spectrum until today.
I was very excited to find The Political Compass. It provides a great visual to the kind of thing I am describing. At one point during my brainstorming about this topic, I had come up with Political Venn Diagrams but got lost listing just how many circles might need to intersect to find the ideal government. The Compass is great and I hope it can help a lot of people from seemingly different perspectives see where they do agree.
Before I found the Compass, I had come to the conclusion that the normal political spectrum looked more like a mobius strip. The farther to either side you walk, sooner or later you have found yourself walking with people that walked from the other direction. The Compass has edges. I like the idea that sometimes you are walking next to someone that may be on the other side of the Compass from you. For instance, I know a very liberal man who is very authoritarian when it comes to the death penalty. The more we recognize outliers to any of these political spectra, the more we can be aware of how often people who often could work together get played against each other.
Here I want to list a few of the ways the far left and right have similar interests, but I would love to hear what is the first thing that comes to your mind if it isn't listed here. I think the theme for many of these crossovers is that "less government" is not necessarily a Republican virtue anymore (if it ever was). It just depends what *kind* of government we are discussing.
Also, many of these thoughts were encouraged by one of my great commenters to my Newton's Laws post. She mentioned how the word "feminist" might need to be thought of more like the word "mother" or "writer." I think that is a great concept and in need of much more discussion. Feminism too spans the political mobius strip. In rebranding feminism today, we need to portray feminist thought as more fluid and on a continuum. In doing so, women can come together on so many issues instead of often seeing each other as far far away on the other side of the linear spectrum.
I have been bothered by the political spectrum lately. How the spectrum is described in our media and how our politicians cater to certain segments. I had not looked for alternatives to our the standard Left-Right linear spectrum until today.
I was very excited to find The Political Compass. It provides a great visual to the kind of thing I am describing. At one point during my brainstorming about this topic, I had come up with Political Venn Diagrams but got lost listing just how many circles might need to intersect to find the ideal government. The Compass is great and I hope it can help a lot of people from seemingly different perspectives see where they do agree.
Before I found the Compass, I had come to the conclusion that the normal political spectrum looked more like a mobius strip. The farther to either side you walk, sooner or later you have found yourself walking with people that walked from the other direction. The Compass has edges. I like the idea that sometimes you are walking next to someone that may be on the other side of the Compass from you. For instance, I know a very liberal man who is very authoritarian when it comes to the death penalty. The more we recognize outliers to any of these political spectra, the more we can be aware of how often people who often could work together get played against each other.
Here I want to list a few of the ways the far left and right have similar interests, but I would love to hear what is the first thing that comes to your mind if it isn't listed here. I think the theme for many of these crossovers is that "less government" is not necessarily a Republican virtue anymore (if it ever was). It just depends what *kind* of government we are discussing.
- Homeschooling and its laws. For instance, in the state of Virginia, a parent who has a college degree has fewer requirements to fill than a parent without the degree. I have heard this is under debate. Homeschoolers span the political spectrum, despite being stereotyped as something of the Far Right in years past.
- Midwifery and homebirth access. I was stunned to learn a few years ago that often the biggest friends to these issues are Republicans. Meanwhile, most of the families I know choosing midwives in my area voted blue this fall.
- Anti-Bedsharing/cosleeping education. Publically funded outreach to discourage parents from bringing their babies to bed with them. Spending tax-payer money to make a mother feel bad for sleeping with her young like any other mammal. The latest Mothering issue did a fantastic job counteracting this campaign.
- Legislation to encourage Breastfeeding. Whether you prefer longer leave for new mothers or you insist the government create flexible schedules for parents (and anybody else who needs flexibility) and remodeling government spaces to be baby-friendly, you can find liberals and conservatives coming together on topics like these.
Also, many of these thoughts were encouraged by one of my great commenters to my Newton's Laws post. She mentioned how the word "feminist" might need to be thought of more like the word "mother" or "writer." I think that is a great concept and in need of much more discussion. Feminism too spans the political mobius strip. In rebranding feminism today, we need to portray feminist thought as more fluid and on a continuum. In doing so, women can come together on so many issues instead of often seeing each other as far far away on the other side of the linear spectrum.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Newton's Laws of Feminism
Inertia. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. This post will likely make a lot of sense to you or no sense at all. If you think I am mouthing off, maybe I am. All in an effort to get some discussion going. I have sat on this post for awhile and am now in the mood to get it out of my brain space before the New Year.
Newton Law #1: A feminist is a feminist until an outside force acts upon her.
When did you become a feminist, when did you find yourself no longer a feminist and when did you personally redefine the word "feminist." I figured all women in my generation were feminists until recently. I started asking women older and younger than I if they thought of themselves as feminists and I have been really surprised how few women say "of course I am a feminist!" What are the forces acting on women that keep them from identifying with that word?
Some observations:
The feminist in an academic environment stays a feminist. She is surrounded by people who are constantly talking about sex and gender, questioning what wave we are all on. She is used to articulating what feminism means both to herself and others around her. She has community who cares.
A feminist who leaves school for non-academic work considers herself a feminist for a little while but then really defines herself more as a "worker". She begins to see her issues as worker issues, not always feminist issues. She leaves behind some of her worries about how the non-academic world might be since now she is living it.
One observation from this group of workers: When I have asked "worker" women this question, many worker women do not like the word "feminist." Often they say "well, I don't think I am a feminist because I think women can decide to stay home and shouldn't feel judged for that." WHOA! OK, it is true they are talking to me but...hmm. Very interesting. I have also been shocked at the replies of worker women to my suggestions of changing the system. Not usually a whole lot of interest. Doesn't sound very "old school" feminist to me. Some say worker women are feminists simply by working. If these women are not constantly questioning or challenging societal norms, that doesn't seem very feminist to me.
Enter an even greater force than leaving academia. It makes the academic and worker feminists in motion rest, some only for a few weeks, but it causes introspection for a lifetime.
Let me call the result of this force, "Feminism in the Childbearing Years". Motherhood both creates and ruins feminists. This force causes women to question everything everything her mother, sisters, friends and mentors ever told her about what it means to be a fulfilled woman. For every mother, finding her balance to happiness becomes so unique that she struggles to find a mentor, let alone a heroine. This force is so hard to describe that it has actually made factions within feminist groups.
As I contemplate the forces that act upon feminism--education, working, motherhood, surely there are more forces that energize or deflate the feminist within all of us. And more important than finding all these forces is finding the place where they can all coexist. Why is this so hard?
I get to plead naivete. I have very little feminist history under my belt. I like it that way. I was born in 1977. My world is feminist. And it is not. I choose to use the word "feminist" because I am immersed in women's issues right now. I occupy a world where I often discuss the woman's choice of WHERE to birth her baby, not IF she wants to birth the baby. Another important choice is to breastfeed in a bottle-feeding society. Do Reproductive-Rights-Oriented feminists make me feel like they want to hear about these issues? Not always.
Why do so many of my activist sisters feel left behind when we describe a modern feminism? I think we are some of the most active feminists in the country. I would like more recognition and more air time. From all media, but especially feminist media. They may not understand the force that is motherhood and how it affects women, but perhaps they can provide the space on their blogs for the discussion. Here is the last "midwifery" link on Feministing and I somewhat happily found this on BitchPhD. But I want more, I want variety and I want often. I would like some of these feminists to question their systems a little bit more. If you don't like your situation, change it. I am tired of people not being part of the solution.
Enter another force I see acting on feminists: group emotion. My husband does not like conferences, at least not that much. But oh do I get excited for a get-together with other women who think like I do. But...what fires me up does not fire up the worker feminist or the academic feminist. In fact, what fires up the academic feminists on BitchPhD is somewhat offensive to me. I know that I am not alone. By a some kind of reflexive property of offensiveness, I would guess "my" feminism must be offensive to them too. They will likely not want to discuss it. For instance, we all vilify Larry Summers, don't we? NO! I don't anyway! So I am not in the club? And honestly, I do not think congratulating yourself for keeping your children out of daycare merits self-loathing. What message are you sending me again? Do Caregivers Count? I really am such a babe in the woods still. All I see are the numerous women's issues we agree on and I think we could do so much for our country if we could meet each other half-way on those we do not.
I may be young but I can be loud too. Thirty may be the new twenty but maybe it is the right age for me to speak up. Maybe I can call myself a feminist and mean it. We all can. Be a feminist, you already are in my book, just tell your version of it. I am really tired getting the vibe that women who focus on feminist issues of mothers are not "real" feminists. NOW thinks they are but do not give them center stage. Well, maybe it is because I was a dancer but I am ready for the stage. Give us the stage! Where is my leader? I have some nominations ready to go: Deren Bader, Therese Hak-Kuhn, Peggy O'Mara, Brynne Potter, Sheryl Rivett ....can we please give these women the floor? They are amazing leaders--it isn't a generation issue, it is an opportunity issue.
Newton's Second Law of Feminism: the force of feminism should be equal to all women, including mothers (yes, even those including those that take mothering practices such as birth and breastfeeding very seriously), multiplied by the injustices each of them have seen along the way.
Can this force please start making itself known? Here are two conferences where I think it will show itself: BlogHer and Fem2.0. I would love to go to both of them. I have even registered for Fem2.0. However, I am also a mom of three children ages 5 and under and so I am realistic that I may not be able to attend. No matter what, I am excited about 2009 and many feminist years to come--no matter what forces may act upon me.
Newton Law #1: A feminist is a feminist until an outside force acts upon her.
When did you become a feminist, when did you find yourself no longer a feminist and when did you personally redefine the word "feminist." I figured all women in my generation were feminists until recently. I started asking women older and younger than I if they thought of themselves as feminists and I have been really surprised how few women say "of course I am a feminist!" What are the forces acting on women that keep them from identifying with that word?
Some observations:
The feminist in an academic environment stays a feminist. She is surrounded by people who are constantly talking about sex and gender, questioning what wave we are all on. She is used to articulating what feminism means both to herself and others around her. She has community who cares.
A feminist who leaves school for non-academic work considers herself a feminist for a little while but then really defines herself more as a "worker". She begins to see her issues as worker issues, not always feminist issues. She leaves behind some of her worries about how the non-academic world might be since now she is living it.
One observation from this group of workers: When I have asked "worker" women this question, many worker women do not like the word "feminist." Often they say "well, I don't think I am a feminist because I think women can decide to stay home and shouldn't feel judged for that." WHOA! OK, it is true they are talking to me but...hmm. Very interesting. I have also been shocked at the replies of worker women to my suggestions of changing the system. Not usually a whole lot of interest. Doesn't sound very "old school" feminist to me. Some say worker women are feminists simply by working. If these women are not constantly questioning or challenging societal norms, that doesn't seem very feminist to me.
Enter an even greater force than leaving academia. It makes the academic and worker feminists in motion rest, some only for a few weeks, but it causes introspection for a lifetime.
Let me call the result of this force, "Feminism in the Childbearing Years". Motherhood both creates and ruins feminists. This force causes women to question everything everything her mother, sisters, friends and mentors ever told her about what it means to be a fulfilled woman. For every mother, finding her balance to happiness becomes so unique that she struggles to find a mentor, let alone a heroine. This force is so hard to describe that it has actually made factions within feminist groups.
As I contemplate the forces that act upon feminism--education, working, motherhood, surely there are more forces that energize or deflate the feminist within all of us. And more important than finding all these forces is finding the place where they can all coexist. Why is this so hard?
I get to plead naivete. I have very little feminist history under my belt. I like it that way. I was born in 1977. My world is feminist. And it is not. I choose to use the word "feminist" because I am immersed in women's issues right now. I occupy a world where I often discuss the woman's choice of WHERE to birth her baby, not IF she wants to birth the baby. Another important choice is to breastfeed in a bottle-feeding society. Do Reproductive-Rights-Oriented feminists make me feel like they want to hear about these issues? Not always.
Why do so many of my activist sisters feel left behind when we describe a modern feminism? I think we are some of the most active feminists in the country. I would like more recognition and more air time. From all media, but especially feminist media. They may not understand the force that is motherhood and how it affects women, but perhaps they can provide the space on their blogs for the discussion. Here is the last "midwifery" link on Feministing and I somewhat happily found this on BitchPhD. But I want more, I want variety and I want often. I would like some of these feminists to question their systems a little bit more. If you don't like your situation, change it. I am tired of people not being part of the solution.
Enter another force I see acting on feminists: group emotion. My husband does not like conferences, at least not that much. But oh do I get excited for a get-together with other women who think like I do. But...what fires me up does not fire up the worker feminist or the academic feminist. In fact, what fires up the academic feminists on BitchPhD is somewhat offensive to me. I know that I am not alone. By a some kind of reflexive property of offensiveness, I would guess "my" feminism must be offensive to them too. They will likely not want to discuss it. For instance, we all vilify Larry Summers, don't we? NO! I don't anyway! So I am not in the club? And honestly, I do not think congratulating yourself for keeping your children out of daycare merits self-loathing. What message are you sending me again? Do Caregivers Count? I really am such a babe in the woods still. All I see are the numerous women's issues we agree on and I think we could do so much for our country if we could meet each other half-way on those we do not.
I may be young but I can be loud too. Thirty may be the new twenty but maybe it is the right age for me to speak up. Maybe I can call myself a feminist and mean it. We all can. Be a feminist, you already are in my book, just tell your version of it. I am really tired getting the vibe that women who focus on feminist issues of mothers are not "real" feminists. NOW thinks they are but do not give them center stage. Well, maybe it is because I was a dancer but I am ready for the stage. Give us the stage! Where is my leader? I have some nominations ready to go: Deren Bader, Therese Hak-Kuhn, Peggy O'Mara, Brynne Potter, Sheryl Rivett ....can we please give these women the floor? They are amazing leaders--it isn't a generation issue, it is an opportunity issue.
Newton's Second Law of Feminism: the force of feminism should be equal to all women, including mothers (yes, even those including those that take mothering practices such as birth and breastfeeding very seriously), multiplied by the injustices each of them have seen along the way.
Can this force please start making itself known? Here are two conferences where I think it will show itself: BlogHer and Fem2.0. I would love to go to both of them. I have even registered for Fem2.0. However, I am also a mom of three children ages 5 and under and so I am realistic that I may not be able to attend. No matter what, I am excited about 2009 and many feminist years to come--no matter what forces may act upon me.
Monday, November 17, 2008
A Lecture with Social Conservatives
Sunday night I had the honor of being invited into a professor's home and hearing a guest lecturer present a talk on The Sexual Revolution. I do not come from the same Catholic background as most of the people in attendance so I am very grateful that this professor saw in me the ability to respect his and his students' perspective. I was very excited to attend and simply listen and observe.
The lecture was thought provoking. If you are Catholic, it is hard to defend your beliefs these days when people dismiss you the instant they know of your religious leanings. You don't even get a chance to speak. This group of students feel unheard and misunderstood. I learned that they see vegetarians/vegans not being forced to defend themselves, ignored by their peers or perceived by society as "meat-eater haters." I learned that they feel like they are in the minority lately, or at least on the East Coast.
Our speaker discussed our society's "will to disbelieve." She compared scholars promoting the Sexual Revolution to Communist scholars during the Cold War. I am still wrapping my brain around this analogy.
I did not feel particularly frustrated by the actual lecture but by the Q&A afterwards. Topics like The Laramie Project and the election came up. This is when I began to wiggle and worry about being "found out." These topics that were not as specific to the lecture as I would have liked and I felt a bit bad for the speaker who I think must've known the audience may have varying opinions about these topics.
I felt that the students were really looking for guidance. "What do 'we' believe about these things?" seemed to be the tone. Students wrestling with an individual reaction but trying to fit in with this nice group of conservatives.
I wanted to remind them of the thousands of devout Christians who did NOT vote for McCain. I wanted to share with them the handful of sexually liberated women that I knew voted Republican. Did they know how fearful many Americans were that JFK would turn America over to the Pope? Like the Jon Stewart clip, what are they so afraid of?
I wanted to ask what they really thought of having a play set in a church, whether or not it was about a gay man. Do they have any gay friends? Would they like to meet some gay people in a way that was safe for them?
It was not my night to do outreach but I left hoping to build some bridges. It is the in liberal-minded scholar's best interest to be respectful and give all voices the opportunity to be heard, not just those with whom the scholar agrees. Why? From Commentary Magazine:
The lecture was thought provoking. If you are Catholic, it is hard to defend your beliefs these days when people dismiss you the instant they know of your religious leanings. You don't even get a chance to speak. This group of students feel unheard and misunderstood. I learned that they see vegetarians/vegans not being forced to defend themselves, ignored by their peers or perceived by society as "meat-eater haters." I learned that they feel like they are in the minority lately, or at least on the East Coast.
Our speaker discussed our society's "will to disbelieve." She compared scholars promoting the Sexual Revolution to Communist scholars during the Cold War. I am still wrapping my brain around this analogy.
As in the case of communism, she argued, intellectuals faced with the overwhelming evidence that libertine sexual ethics has been disastrous have engaged in Panglossian rationalization. (From this article)I will be musing on how good liberal folk can articulate counterpoints to her arguments. My husband, who was vegan for over five years and raised Catholic, had a few right off the top of his head. I would love to hear from some of you how you see bridges being built between good people of all religious backgrounds.
I did not feel particularly frustrated by the actual lecture but by the Q&A afterwards. Topics like The Laramie Project and the election came up. This is when I began to wiggle and worry about being "found out." These topics that were not as specific to the lecture as I would have liked and I felt a bit bad for the speaker who I think must've known the audience may have varying opinions about these topics.
I felt that the students were really looking for guidance. "What do 'we' believe about these things?" seemed to be the tone. Students wrestling with an individual reaction but trying to fit in with this nice group of conservatives.
I wanted to remind them of the thousands of devout Christians who did NOT vote for McCain. I wanted to share with them the handful of sexually liberated women that I knew voted Republican. Did they know how fearful many Americans were that JFK would turn America over to the Pope? Like the Jon Stewart clip, what are they so afraid of?
I wanted to ask what they really thought of having a play set in a church, whether or not it was about a gay man. Do they have any gay friends? Would they like to meet some gay people in a way that was safe for them?
It was not my night to do outreach but I left hoping to build some bridges. It is the in liberal-minded scholar's best interest to be respectful and give all voices the opportunity to be heard, not just those with whom the scholar agrees. Why? From Commentary Magazine:
In her lucid introductory essay, Mary Eberstadt persuasively identifies the common element. Nearly all of her contributors have been shaped in a decisive way by their negative experiences as students in elite American universities, and by their encounters with the fashionable academic ideas that have come to infect political and professional practice. From Dinesh D’Souza’s wild and entertaining tales of his days at the Dartmouth Review, to Heather Mac Donald’s exasperated account of the nihilism of literary studies at Yale in the 1980’s, to Peter Berkowitz’s repeated encounters with the “knee-jerk contempt” accorded those who try to defend the liberal tradition against its illiberal practitioners, these writers have been formed by the high-handed intellectual monoculture that is American higher education, especially of the elite variety. As Eberstadt puts it, “The Left/liberal monopoly on campus has . . . inadvertently created some of the very political refugees whose work now fuels the world of conservative think tanks, journals, and ideas.”No matter how you feel about the Sexual Revolution, Catholicism or Social Conservatives, I think there does need to be a lot more listening going on and a lot less "us-them"--by both sides.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
A Third Wave Feminist Mother on Modern Work-Life Possibilities
While looking for essays on Third Wave Feminism, I found this article by Martha Rampton, a professor of history and director of the Center for Gender Equity at Pacific University. She states:
My MIL describes a time when she was treated like an outcast when she told women she stayed home with her children. How could have these women done this to her? Or was it mostly in her head given the media focus of Second Wave feminism? Women today are joining groups like MomsRising, The Mothers' Movement, Activistas, and the Holistic Moms Network to name a few. NOW has a Mothers Matter, Caregivers Count campaign that I believe needs much more media attention. Recently on Facebook I was invited into a "Circle of Moms" and Yahoo has a Parenting section within its recently launched Shine hub-for-women site. Needless to say, becoming a mother does not mean you drop out of society. Actually, there is even more "society" available once baby comes.
Third Wave feminists are not arguing the merits of working vs. homemaking. The question I struggle with is how we work when children are also a huge part of our lives. This goes for men too, no doubt about it. But since women face pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding, how can we get them the information they need before they face important decisions for themselves and their families? I began volunteering in the childbirth and breastfeeding communities because I see women from all demographics making less-than-informed choices in a world seemingly overflowing with information. I think the same lack-of-information problem applies to women trying to make smart work-life decisions.
Recently I started reading books like Creating a Life and Off-Ramps and On-Ramps because I think about re-entering the labor force.* I am thrilled to see huge corporations adjusting their policies to retain top talent. I see women (and men) challenging workplace norms here in Charlottesville too.
Is this message being received by the women a decade younger than I am? I am not so sure. I think many women think they will enter a work environment that is not subject to negotiation. Many may wonder if the issues of the Second Wave are what they should roll up their sleeves and get ready to fight. They may not witness negotiations during their first years on the job and this may color their perspective of what is feasible.
Know negotiating a balance that works for you is possible--men and women are adjusting their schedules all the time. When the time comes for you to switch things up, just ask! And if you don't know what to ask for, write up your perfect schedule and ask to discuss it with your personnel officer. Now remember, the HR executives may not be products of third wave feminism as much as you are; they may not see all the shades of grey between the in-office 40+ hour work week and staying home with your child. If you are good at your work, I am hopeful HR will be receptive to negotiations. Once you figure things out, talk about what worked and what didn't. This will help women looking up to you pave their own way in a few years.
I want women to brainstorm what could be part of a desired dream schedule or work environment that could include babies and toddlers. You never know until you get there what will work but it doesn't hurt to think of the options. Could your 3 month old baby come to work with you until he crawls? Could you telecommute some until preschool begins? Maybe hire some care on the side for the weekly staff meeting? Or better yet, can you swap care with a friend who is in a similar position? There are many people just like you out there. Find each other and work it out.
A study published by the Pew Research Center shows part-time work to be the ideal for many women. I think feminists get this, at least in the Third Wave. I think it is time for women to feel confident in their negotiating power. They shouldn't wait for it to happen to them through public or corporate policy. Only you know how you will be at your most efficient. It is in your employer's best interest to listen to you. They are at risk of losing your talent and their resources in finding and training your replacement. It is win-win. You have the tools and the support to create the perfect balance in your life during each chapter.
Yes, I chose to stay home with my children but that doesn't mean I think all mothers should or can do as I did. I simply want future mothers to know of a newer work-life choice: it is possible to stay physically close to your children and earn an income at the same time. The role models are few, but they are out there. Make it happen and become a role model yourself.
*Note that I may not re-enter the labor force. We shall see what the future brings. The two sides of my brain are still in negotiations regarding "5-and 10-year plan" thinking.
__________________________________
Hungry for more Third Wave feminism? Here is a fantastic description of what feminism IS today from another Third Wave mother, Kim Wells.
...the third-wave's ... refusal to think in terms of "us-them" or in some cases their refusal to identify themselves as "feminists" at all.This supports what I feel is going on with mothers choosing to call themselves feminists (or not) these days. According to Rampton, the third wave of feminism began in the mid-90s. The 90s were my teen (class of '95) and college years ('99). I agree that I do not think in an "us-them" way and Rampton's description above is the feminism I feel to be contemporary feminism. We women deserve respect. We make different choices based on different life experiences. And yes, I do respect women who make dramatically different choices than I do.
My MIL describes a time when she was treated like an outcast when she told women she stayed home with her children. How could have these women done this to her? Or was it mostly in her head given the media focus of Second Wave feminism? Women today are joining groups like MomsRising, The Mothers' Movement, Activistas, and the Holistic Moms Network to name a few. NOW has a Mothers Matter, Caregivers Count campaign that I believe needs much more media attention. Recently on Facebook I was invited into a "Circle of Moms" and Yahoo has a Parenting section within its recently launched Shine hub-for-women site. Needless to say, becoming a mother does not mean you drop out of society. Actually, there is even more "society" available once baby comes.
Third Wave feminists are not arguing the merits of working vs. homemaking. The question I struggle with is how we work when children are also a huge part of our lives. This goes for men too, no doubt about it. But since women face pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding, how can we get them the information they need before they face important decisions for themselves and their families? I began volunteering in the childbirth and breastfeeding communities because I see women from all demographics making less-than-informed choices in a world seemingly overflowing with information. I think the same lack-of-information problem applies to women trying to make smart work-life decisions.
Recently I started reading books like Creating a Life and Off-Ramps and On-Ramps because I think about re-entering the labor force.* I am thrilled to see huge corporations adjusting their policies to retain top talent. I see women (and men) challenging workplace norms here in Charlottesville too.
Is this message being received by the women a decade younger than I am? I am not so sure. I think many women think they will enter a work environment that is not subject to negotiation. Many may wonder if the issues of the Second Wave are what they should roll up their sleeves and get ready to fight. They may not witness negotiations during their first years on the job and this may color their perspective of what is feasible.
Know negotiating a balance that works for you is possible--men and women are adjusting their schedules all the time. When the time comes for you to switch things up, just ask! And if you don't know what to ask for, write up your perfect schedule and ask to discuss it with your personnel officer. Now remember, the HR executives may not be products of third wave feminism as much as you are; they may not see all the shades of grey between the in-office 40+ hour work week and staying home with your child. If you are good at your work, I am hopeful HR will be receptive to negotiations. Once you figure things out, talk about what worked and what didn't. This will help women looking up to you pave their own way in a few years.
I want women to brainstorm what could be part of a desired dream schedule or work environment that could include babies and toddlers. You never know until you get there what will work but it doesn't hurt to think of the options. Could your 3 month old baby come to work with you until he crawls? Could you telecommute some until preschool begins? Maybe hire some care on the side for the weekly staff meeting? Or better yet, can you swap care with a friend who is in a similar position? There are many people just like you out there. Find each other and work it out.
A study published by the Pew Research Center shows part-time work to be the ideal for many women. I think feminists get this, at least in the Third Wave. I think it is time for women to feel confident in their negotiating power. They shouldn't wait for it to happen to them through public or corporate policy. Only you know how you will be at your most efficient. It is in your employer's best interest to listen to you. They are at risk of losing your talent and their resources in finding and training your replacement. It is win-win. You have the tools and the support to create the perfect balance in your life during each chapter.
Yes, I chose to stay home with my children but that doesn't mean I think all mothers should or can do as I did. I simply want future mothers to know of a newer work-life choice: it is possible to stay physically close to your children and earn an income at the same time. The role models are few, but they are out there. Make it happen and become a role model yourself.
*Note that I may not re-enter the labor force. We shall see what the future brings. The two sides of my brain are still in negotiations regarding "5-and 10-year plan" thinking.
__________________________________
Hungry for more Third Wave feminism? Here is a fantastic description of what feminism IS today from another Third Wave mother, Kim Wells.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Check out a NOW near you!
Do you know what your local NOW chapter is up to? I do! I am proud to report back from my first CvilleNOW meeting. Yes, it was great, and I am thrilled to associate myself with yet another group of intelligent, community-focused women.
In attendance were 8 women including myself and an equally motivated-for-change friend. Five of the remaining six women were at least 45 years old. I was the only one who brought a child (my 18 month old). The president said she came to her first meeting with her toddler too....about 20 years ago. They were all happy about the election and most seemed to have volunteered at the polls. They all appeared to be pro-choice but I loved how woman said "nobody is pro-abortion...nobody." They were living very full lives but seemed genuinely happy to carve out the one hour and 45 min meeting once a month to get together.
I did a lot of talking to introduce myself to this core group and I was so so relieved to see my audience nodding in understanding. I learned I was not the only one frustrated by what I see to be a misperception of feminism. The feminists I met tonight do not frown down upon women who leave the labor force, nor do they hate men. The word "humanist" came up. The environment was so supportive of informed decision making and we touched upon how the debate about one very important choice seems to prevent women from coming together on so many other very important choices we must make in our lives.
We also discussed:
If you are a woman looking to get involved in this country, NOW is a great place to start. Here is their official purpose:
In attendance were 8 women including myself and an equally motivated-for-change friend. Five of the remaining six women were at least 45 years old. I was the only one who brought a child (my 18 month old). The president said she came to her first meeting with her toddler too....about 20 years ago. They were all happy about the election and most seemed to have volunteered at the polls. They all appeared to be pro-choice but I loved how woman said "nobody is pro-abortion...nobody." They were living very full lives but seemed genuinely happy to carve out the one hour and 45 min meeting once a month to get together.
I did a lot of talking to introduce myself to this core group and I was so so relieved to see my audience nodding in understanding. I learned I was not the only one frustrated by what I see to be a misperception of feminism. The feminists I met tonight do not frown down upon women who leave the labor force, nor do they hate men. The word "humanist" came up. The environment was so supportive of informed decision making and we touched upon how the debate about one very important choice seems to prevent women from coming together on so many other very important choices we must make in our lives.
We also discussed:
- the HPV vaccine lecture CvilleNOW recently sponsored
- helping local women facing decisions about unplanned pregnancies
- pro-choice day in Richmond
- a possible local descrimination lawsuit
- library displays about women in local history: one targeted to adults, one to children
- interesting things that came to the PO Box
- my professor for my Sex Differences class
- the various women's groups on my radar and my desire to connect them
If you are a woman looking to get involved in this country, NOW is a great place to start. Here is their official purpose:
NOW is the largest, most comprehensive feminist advocacy group in the United States. Our purpose is to take action to bring women into full participation in society — sharing equal rights, responsibilities and opportunities with men, while living free from discrimination.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Call For Concrete "Life With Children" Examples
My musings today have been inspired by the power talk* at soccer practice this morning as well as from a lunch date earlier this week. Thank you to both women for your help with this post.
For those of you who have not heard, I am taking a class at UVA this fall entitled "Sex Differences: Biology, Culture, Politics and Policy." I have many thoughts from this class that will find a home here over the next weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep at night if I put these thoughts somewhere!
Based on my experience in this class, I do not think our institutions of higher education are preparing young women for a realistic view of life with children. Well, yes, that statement is based on my own experience primarily but has come to my attention again as I witness these young women grapple with the choices they face.
Now that I am in my 30s, I have been a witness to so many kinds of careers and so many types of women that I think we could do a better job showing our younger women the buffet of options. I know I perceived success-after-college with a sort of "executive" mentality so perhaps this revelation does not apply to all women. I knew I would have children along the way, but "ideally" I would have this satisfying career at the same time. I had no idea what motherhood would mean to me. I doubt any woman ever does until it happens to her. I have shared my few life experiences with my classmates and they seem to want to hear more.
Tonight I want to list many ways you can combine work with motherhood that are not "either-or" or the vague "flex hours" terminology I think gets thrown around. I hope readers will post what they have witnessed which will help teach women how to negotiate their unique work-family balance. I know when I was in college I assumed I would 1) stay home or 2) work 8-5 and have a Nanny or even a Stay-At-Home-Dad (SAHD). I had no idea of the shades of grey that are the realities many mothers deal with today.
So here we go, starting with myself:
1. I describe myself as a Stay-At-Home-Mom. Business day can include volunteer work with children in tow. I am taking a class which has been a great gift to my psyche, and I know I am very lucky to have the support to fit this into my life. My mother, my mother-in-law (MIL) and my husband have all watched the children while I go to this 4 hour activity in the middle of a business day, once per week. The non-business hours when children, husband or house do not need me I am on the computer or meeting with fellow volunteers without children. I did earn some money in the past 3 weeks managing a visiting lecturer to UVA and did most of the work from my computer or my BlackBerry (the best Mother's Day present yet!). 20 hours of work, never needed to hire a babysitter until the actual event and that was only so my husband could attend with me.
2. Stay-At-Home-Mom-That-Works-Too. I have a friend who is primarily a SAHM but then works away from home in the late afternoon hours. She swaps daycare for the one hour/workday her hours overlap with her husband's. She also volunteers heavily and, like me, is a SAHM that is not really staying at home all day!
3. Back-To-School-Mom juggles her own course work with volunteer work and changing the world one neighbor at a time. She has worked many jobs in the hours when her husband was home from his work and could be with the children. When she needs time during after-school business hours she gets help from her community and occasionally family.
4. Academic Mom that Currently Takes 3 Month Old Baby to Work. This option is what I want to educate women about so they can work toward this goal if staying at home during the early months is not possible or preferred. This Mom has older school-age daughter, has MBA and PhD, works part-time and her exclusively breastfed baby is with her at work. She described to me how most of her positions in University environments were always very supportive of her creating a schedule that would work for her family. She confidently shared how it "always worked out" (Corporate America, Interview Her!). As baby gets older, she will roll with it and figure it out. How many of our young women know how to figure it out as they go? I think they are all "figuring out" their 5- and 10-year plans instead! (I want to post about expectations with a new baby someday too.)
5. Starting-Her-Own-Business-Mom. She homeschools which gives her great flexibility (yes! another post someday, by a guest-blogger) in finding hours to work on her business. She also relies on her husband, her father and her community for the rare hours she has to herself.
6. Owns-Her-Own-Business-Mom. I have three of these on my radar. All brought baby to work (two boutiques and one hair salon). I know specific details of only one: one boutique owner has breastfed her 2nd baby into toddlerhood and she has a large space for him to play/nap in the back of her store. There are extra hands on deck in the store for help with customers. Her older child is in preschool now.
7. Full-Time-Teacher-Mom was able to stay at home while her children were infants and her schools always rolled the red carpet back out for her return. During a few weeks with one baby she did rely on her mother, sister, and grandmother-in-law for childcare so she could finish out a school year. In that time I think she discovered how truly difficult it can be to be a breastfeeding working mother in our country. She did it though and hopefully she will share the details of those weeks so readers getting ready for motherhood can learn from her experience.
8. Physician-Mom. Had her first baby her first year of residency at the age of 26ish. Early years were tough I am sure but she and the family have made it through, that baby is now 17 and applying to colleges. She relied on her husband in the early weeks, then a day care provider who watched each of her 3 children until they were old enough for Montessori preschool. She breastfed her third child for 18 months. Yes, she pumped for most of them! Amazing.
9. Corporate-Mom. I have two of these friends, I'm sure their situations are very different but this they have in common: each friend telecommutes much of the time, travels some of the time and has a nanny a bit of the time. One has a husband I know can work from home some of the time. I hope to get their stories here too!
10. Opt-Back-In-Mom. I have a friend who recently returned to work as a therapist. She is easing back in as she builds her case load. She was out of this field for about 8 years as she mothered two children until they both attended the same school for a full school day. The transition is tough but she is plugging away. It is inspiring to see her back to her career and I would love her to share her perspective as well.
Enough for tonight. Time for you to elaborate on the way your life with children is different than what you thought it might be or what kind of childcare arrangements worked best for you when you went back to work. I and my classmates want to know!
___________________________________
*power talk = the intense high speed conversation maintained by two multitasking moms. It lasts approximately 10 minutes and in that amount of time both women barely take a breath, insert positive reinforcement for their children's good behavior as insurance to not get disturbed in their spoken word when it would be inconvenient, and manage to keep the train of thought clear enough to feel like they had a real adult conversation when it is complete.
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